I had recently (finally) gotten out of a 5 year long abusive relationship that totally dominated every aspect of my life where I was under complete control and used in every way imaginable and I had never ever been so miserable in my life. Miraculously I escaped and I still don’t even know how I did it- but moved on probably too fast with someone that seemed far too perfect too fast.
I worked with him for a few months and eventually started talking to him more and more, but nothing romantic. I had noticed him staring but didn’t think anything of it/ didn’t do anything about it knowing myself and my own situation I had no interest at the time. But obviously as I talked to him more, I started to gain more of an interest having the same humor and being around the same age. I knew he was a severe alcoholic already and ignored that (I know- stupid on my part but I figured he had been struggling and don’t like to judge). Eventually we meet up and he’s doing what I know now as the typical love bombing things. “I always liked you” tuned into “I knew I always loved you” when we started dating for a while. We have only been together for 3 months now and he has already used every bit of fuel against me that he could, acted like a total different person in the beginning, and has hit me and cheated and called me every horrible thing while simultaneously telling me that I am the only one on this earth for him etc. The first time he was abusive was two days in a row where he threatened to kill me and would not stop attacking me over and over again.
We have been fighting a lot as of late, which usually involves him trying to raise his hand and his voice to me, and just the other day after I had been asleep and he had been drinking all though the night again, he slapped me again. I packed up all my things and immediately stopped talking to him. I reached out today out of frustration and I have been being ignored.
I know all of these tactics unfortunately, and I’ve been through it all before. But now I have this emotional connection that feels like it’s killing me. After this other 5 year relationship that was arguably worse I felt like my emotions were gone and all of my motivation to be close to another man was killed off. I felt different this time around because for a while it felt healing, especially since we related on certain things like both losing our moms. All of the emotional aspects still slightly linger, though have been mostly ruined by the things he’s said. I am just really struggling with the feeling of being discarded and having to walk away from something I got my hopes up Yet again over. I feel like an idiot trusting someone again and I feel like I can only cope in terrible ways at this moment. I am so ready to quit my job where I do nothing but think all day because I met him there (even though financially it would be pretty bad) and I feel like there is no single way to make myself feel better at all. I have been crying and feeling so furious. I know there is no point in this relationship as sad as it is to say but I am really struggling with being okay with that.
I am ranting but I think any advice right now would help. I just cannot believe I relieving this nightmare again but now I feel like I care more about the person because I didn’t care to meet anyone new nor have I met anyone “organically”, or trying to meet a partner on purpose (say like dating apps). I don’t have friends or family at all so it’s harder. I also fear opening up about this because I feel like an idiot who is making the same stupid mistake.