I (28F) ended my previous long-term relationship (5 years) because I realised I wasn't attracted to my partner (35M). We would go long periods of time not having sex. When we did have sex, it was often very difficult. There would be pain and frustration from both of us. Any pressure from him was minimal but there was sometimes talk of blue balls and I felt incredibly guilty.
There were many times when I had sex even though I didn't want to, and would experience a mental battle with myself around stopping, persisting, and listening to/ ignoring my desire to stop. Sometimes there would be a 'compensatory' handjob and masturbating together became a sort of 'solution'.
This experience has massively impacted my sex life now. I've started to date a wonderful man who I am super attracted to, but my past is affecting parts of our sex.
For example, if I come first, I enter a different mindset where I am less aroused, even if I am still comfortable it's very triggering because my brain associates the lowered arousal with wanting to stop. I desperately want to feel excited about my partner's orgasm and to be responsible for it but my brain seems to put up a block. It's as though the male orgasm is a threat or a duty or something I must endure.
We've communicated loads about this (and I'm in therapy) and now just wondering what we can do to gently challenge/overcome this mental block (aside from coming together/him coming first as I don't want to avoid the triggering circumstance of me coming first).
It seems like the healthy position is caring about your partner getting off and being comfortable with putting yourself out slightly if that's what's necessary to achieve it. But as someone with this negative sexual experience, the line between that and participating in sex out of duty is very thin.