I ‘26M’ have been dating my long-distance gf ‘24F’for 2.5 years.
For context: I live in the US and my gf lives on the other side of the world. I have a brother on the low-functioning end of the autistic spectrum (non-verbal, sometimes violent, etc.) I intend on taking care of him for the rest of his life, and as do my parents. Moving to the US was very difficult for us, as there was no external support for my brother. Due to this, my mom has always valued the presence of extended family, as people to lean on for support. They firmly believe that presence of extended family would have made life a lot easier for everybody involved, as it would provide all of us outlets.
A year ago, I told my mom about my gf, and she is quite skeptical. My mom already knew my gf's family prior to us dating, and she isn't exactly the biggest fan of them. However, her primary reason for not accepting my gf is the fact that she has no family in the US. My mom is convinced that my gf wouldn't be able to handle my brother's presence, as she would have no outlets (no friends or family). She believes that anyone taking care of a person with autism needs another outlet in life and not having that will make my gf go crazy and cause a very negative environment in the house, as it did with us.
My mom thinks I should find someone who has family here in the US, as having outlets would make life easier for myself, my brother, and future wife. She's been very stressed about this and firmly believes that if I marry my gf, then she cannot rely on me to look after my brother for all of our sakes. I have tried talking to my mom about this to convince her that it’ll work out, but she seems to have made up her mind about it. In fact, she has already started making plans for my brother's future that don't involve me. This had made me very uncomfortable, as I do want to look after my brother and be an active part of his life. I want what is best for everyone here: my brother, gf, and mom.
I've spoken to my gf about my brother, and she believes that she can handle any circumstances. I largely believe her in this, but a small part of me is worried, since she hasn't had any exposure to people on the autistic spectrum. I also value what my mom is saying, because she has dealt with my brother all her life and she too was once in the position of being alone in the US with an autistic child and no family other than her husband. I love my gf a lot and I want to marry her but this may lead to issues for my family in the future. should go ahead and marry gf or should i breakup with her.
TL;DR: Long-distance relationship for 2.5 years; I plan to care for my autistic brother long-term. My mom thinks my girlfriend can’t handle it without family support in the US and is strongly against the relationship. My girlfriend says she can manage, but I’m unsure how realistic that is and feel stuck between them.