Feel mentally insane with husbands habitual issues. AITAH
A little background on myself (F24) I was born and raised Christian and like the stricter type. Alcohol bad, smoking bad, swearing bad, sex bad, sleeveless shirts bad, no ears pierced... Ect. You get the idea. Church 3x a week. I am still Christian although not as hardcore but definitely still hold those morals. I met my husband when I was 20 I just moved to a new town/state and started my first ever job and I was just depressed cause I had gone from seeing friends 4-5 x a week to working 6 times a week and no friends whatsoever or church community. I went down "a bad path" really out of boredom and loneliness. I honestly didn't even do anything bad but snuck around with my now husband (M29 was 25 when we met). I snuck to his house behind my parents back and hung out with him I spent the night with him which I clearly stated I DID NOT want anything sexual because of my beliefs but he ended up pressuring me and I didn't say "NO".
Ever since the night I felt like I HAD to stay with him cause I slept with him. He smoked cigarettes/vaped when i met him and really wasn't impressed by it at all. He told me he slept with multiple people.... Did drugs before... Was an alcoholic... Basically everything bad there is to do he did it. Yet in my dumb young mind I was already soul tied to this dude and couldn't leave so I just tried to make it work. I H A T E weed idk why but i can't stand it. I smelt it on him one night and he denied it. He later confessed he did smoke it and REGULARLY. I had a huge issue with this because I already hated his vaping/cigarettes. He also had weed gummys he'd love to eat. I would like to add he had strokes, a car accident ( from drugs ), lived with his mommy, no job a car his parents bought for him and not a single penny in his name. ( This is the first guy ive ever dated btw so i never got birthday presents or my meal being paid for instead I paid for him occasionally) Overall, this dude is just a major red flag and if I could scream at myself to run I would but I was so stuck up on the no sex before marriage I felt like nobody would want me anymore cause I wasn't a virgin ( i am also disabled no legs just prosthetics so guys never liked me for that reason too ) ANYWAYS. He knew I couldn't stand weed so he'd just repeatedly lie to me about it TO MY FACE and I mean this has happened well over a hundred times since I met him four years ago. THOUSANDS of dollars down the drain. So many lies I've been told , he never confesses unless I bring him the evidence then he'll confess. Its exhausting knowing ur partner doesn't care at all about lying to your face and having to play detective in your own home. We got married, I yes I bought US a house with ALL my own hard earned money, he did get a job. I supported him in every way. Took care of him and his bad memory due to strokes. Did all his paperwork, bills, anything somewhat difficult came to me and I'd figure everything out for him. Fast forward to NOW. We have a 18 m old baby boy and one about to be born. He has successfully cut impressively back on vaping. Cigarettes r gone. But then there's these cursed THC vapes. I have CRIED oceans over these things. He's seen me lose my crap everytime he lied to my face and killed my trust yet again. He gaslit me like no other making me doubt my sanity. I tried to commit suicide 3 times now. Ive done self harm and i barely recognize myself anymore. I'm severely depressed I don't know how to survive without his paycheck. I am disabled with soon to be two young kids. I gave him an ultimatum about getting rid of the vape or stay with his family and he left tonight with his vape. I feel like absolutely stupid and worthless its hard to go on like this as I have a hard time caring for my son even and I can't get a job. Of course your answers will be "oh just let him have the vape its not a big deal" but you don't understand the feelings I've gained for it over the years. I despise it and him for constantly lying, gaslighting and making me feel worthless and if I tried to ever talk to him about it he'd cuss me out call me names and say im a control freak and all sorts of untrue things. Am I wrong for not wanting that crap around my children and for nt wanting to spend a ridiculous amount of money on it when we don't HAVE the money to spend? I also just morally cannot accept it its driving me insane everyday I think I'm going to end up in a mental asylum seriously.... I am 6 months pregnant now as I write this btw so my emotions r a bit whacky but I do feel as if I've been emotionally abused for 4 years straight... Help me please