My marriage to my daughter’s dad was a mess. Controlling, displays of violence, emotional and financial abuse etc. including taking our daughter while he was a British citizen leaving our car in short term parking at an international airport resulting in her being a federally missing child at eight months old. He does have his citizenship now. Things did not get easier after the divorce, and no he and our daughter don’t have an amazing relationship. They’re fine enough but she doesn’t go out of her way to hang out because every single time it turns into a negative experience. My daughter and I however hang out several times a month and text daily.
I was informed by our daughter the morning of her bridal shower (that his wife declined to attend because of church even though it was in the afternoon with two months notice) that he finally kicked in a little bit for the wedding but attached it to demands such as my sister in law and step father not being allowed to come. They already have plane tickets as the wedding is now just sixty days away. So they’re both coming. Financially I’ve personally been shouldering about 80% the financial cost and planning of the wedding along side my daughter as no one else can afford it. Not that we can we’re both in debt for it. He doesn’t want them to come because almost twenty five years ago when he took our daughter my family, I believe reasonably, responded negatively to him taking her “for an afternoon” while we were arguing and disappeared. Mind the entire family reacted negatively but he didn’t like step father or SIL specifically. They do both have personalities that can rub people the wrong way especially to someone who is used to getting their way and being praised. Zero people brought any of this conflict directly to him, so no words or actions were exchanged at the time, so what he’s upset about was gossip, though true. If that makes sense? I’m trying to think of any questions anyone might have.
In the past couple years he and his wife have been spending way too much of their energy worrying about me and my life. Planning the engagement party last summer his wife made comments such as how I stabbed him in the back by going to his fathers funeral without his permission, they were estranged and he didn’t go but I’m still close with his sister and he was a part of our daughters life so I went to support her, I replied I wasn’t aware I was required to inform my ex husband what I do anymore. She commented about knowing she was 15 years old than me, I’m 47F btw. He’s 54 now. Too old to be acting this way for sure. It never occurred to me to care how old she was, but apparently 62 based on the math. He demanded an apology last summer for my reporting his child abused twenty ish years ago, which I did but very diplomatically in the way that I said I was sorry he was still having those feelings and I didn’t mean him harm but given the situation it was my responsibility to keep her safe and I believe he would’ve done the same etc, no response from him for that. He tried choking out our daughters finance at the engagement party along with a friend of his, to assert his dominance in a don’t hurt my daughter sort of way, he was a martial arts instructor and did some of those same holds on me when we were married, and other random and absurd things that would make this a TL;DR if I keep going.
He has a drinking problem and needs a new liver so my daughter is rightfully concerned for him. I’m glad he’ll still be around to walk her down the aisle and I have always been extremely careful not to bad mouth him to or in front of her and act really casual in my responses when I hear stories of his ongoing and current behaviors. It would be awesome not to have to deal with any outbursts at the wedding itself though. I want to tell the wedding coordinator to keep an eye on him and have him removed if he starts anything with anyone at the actual wedding. I don’t mean like getting loud or making a ridiculous speech, but more along the lines of actual alterations.
I feel like my concerns are founded but where do I draw the line, would that be over reacting if something actually happens?