Hi everyone:),so i never had anyone to talk about this with. Im a female,in my 30's. When i was very young i was with 1 woman,for several years. It was my first relationship ever,and my very first introduction to sexuality,so that was my "baseline". I was always obsessed with men,ever since i can remember myself,always wanted a bf. I was abused a lot in my childhood,leading me to have 1 friend who i later realized had a very similar charachter to my abusers. She was very cold and mean and i wanted to be validated, i was isolated a lot as a child and was struggling with severe depression and self hatred. At some point i ended up making out with her. At first i didnt think much of it,i liked it but i think i just liked the idea of someone like her(who reminded me subconciously of my abusers)actually kissing me,because she would make fun of me a lot and i felt so unloved i was starving for attention.very soon after that kiss things happened and we had to make a choice - either we stop completely and act like nothing happened,or we continue in secret.i told her i was straight and we tried to stop,but i ended up going back again and again untill i told her i love her.its hard for me to try and remember what i truly felt. in terms of romantic feelings - i didnt feel butterflies,or being in love,i felt obsessed and that she was my second half,like i was dependent on her,like i loved her to death,attached to her.sexually is where it gets tricky. - everything that happened between us sexually was because she preassured me into it,and i didnt wanna let her down and had no self esteem. first time i remember feeling grossed out. but then i realized im turned on by her chest,which was an ongoing theme for me in my childhood as well, i have always been very "aware" of breasts,like,i would stare at any woman's chest when i was younger,i jjst didnt feel sexual yet,but when i was with her i remember feeling a lot tawards that particular body part. but its almost as if it was compltely disconnected from her. it never turned me on to know she enjoyed my touch,i didnt think it was abnormal tho because at this point i had only been with her,not with a man. when we would kiss i would sometimes imagine its a boy kissing me. when i went down on her i hated it but did it out of pure love for her. and when she went down on me - the only way in which i was able to cum was by imagining men, which i believe btw messed me up sexually since to this day i have a hard time enjoying oral sex.
after our breakup,i ended up dating a guy,i have kissed boys in the past but never had feelings for the ones i kissed and majority of them forced it on me,so i became numb to it.but the second he kissed me everything felt different. i remember he kissed my neck and i was shivering. and when we got more intimate i realized what i feel for men is 1000 times stronger than the girl i was with,and thats when i began sleeping around with men,experiancing intense highs and lows,completely obsessed with them.
throughout the years,i couldnt figure out what am i. i had no intrest in dating women,i tried a few dates and i felt more excited by the idea of a woman desiring me,but didnt actually wanna get intimate.(and so i never kissed another female or slept with another one). i even had very very attractive women ask me to sleep with them and declined. however ,i cant say im straight (?). i have sexual fantasies about women's chests. whenever i would watch porn i would be insanly turned on by women's breasts + even their privet parts,like completely,without a doubt.mind you - porn is kind of meant to create a stimulation,so i dont know if its because its porn or its my real attraction. i would also like to mention my relationship with the girl was so abusive that it made me kind of supress a bit of my attraction to women and never want to date them again, however, its been years and i just dont get it. i truly dont. its like ,in porn my mind sadly sees these women as "just their body", so theres no emotional part,nothing (which is why i stopped watching porn btw,i didnt wanna keep seeing women like that) ,but in real life no matter how close i get to another woman,no matter how hot she is,i cant feel a thing sexually! but - i have had emotional cruses on women!!! which i dont even know what they mean! ,i could never figure out if i just really admired a woman for how good looking she is and felt like i wanted to be her / be seen by her - to when i was romantically into her.and again i never did anything about it because i didnt feel a strong desire to do so.also,when i would sleep with my ex gf aside from her breasts i would never get turned on by nothing,unlike porn,and unlike when i was with men.with men everything is 100% clear - romantic feelings,sexual desire off the roof,its insane. with women - only boobs,and other parts only through porn.
i started telling people im straight because i felt so confused and let down by myself.i just felt exhusted. but i feel like im lying (?). i sometimes get wet dreams about women.not too often,but i do sometimes. however men are on my mind 24/7 and i dont feel "lazy" or lack of drive,quiet the opposite,i have to stop myself from sleeping with them because i usually get hurt. i even cry sometimes about the fact that i could never feel satisfied sexually with a woman,and romantically the same as i do with men,because men hurt me so bad i wished i was bi,but i am bi no??? or straight ? or half bi ?? is it even a thing???
i feel like im going crazy.i thought sexuality was easier to figure out. plz feel free to give your thoughts and input i would really appriciate even knowing im not that weird.