faced a demon
Dear brothers and sisters, I hope you all read this post and find yourselves well.
I'm an addict in recovery who recently gave up alcohol, drugs, and pornography. Lately I've been finding myself at a bit of a crossroads because I've been practising semen retention and my urges have been strong. I was recently around my friends who were doing drink and drugs, and to my great delight I found myself not partaking, not drinking, saying no and walking away when the time was right. I was home early, surprisingly, but then I realised if I can say no to that, I wanted to do something. So I put on my usual pornographic site and I was aroused. Go figure! When I was getting tempted to really dig in and start masturbating, it was to my usual go-to, and I found out the girl was attractive, but then a part of me realised that this wasn't right, so I closed it and I put it away.
I've not really watched porn much since the start of this year, but I felt like I needed to know something about myself and the fact that I was able to look at, watch it, and then choose not to engage with it after. I don't know if this counts as a relapse, but to me it gave me a bit of clarity of the day and a bit of confidence in myself, because it could have gone the other way and I could have walked away with shame. Instead I looked at it and I was thinking, "Hmm, I want to know, am I strong enough to do this?" I did, and it was hard, but then I walked away.
I'd love to hear everyone else's opinions on this, because in my opinion:
- Did the delivery search for it? Yes.
- Was there intention behind it? Yes.
- Did I surrender to my urges? Almost.
The usual part, which usually gets me aroused, still had an element of that arousal, but then I also called out and was like, "No, this isn't what I want." Does this count as a relapse or does it count as understanding clarity? I like to choose, or I choose to believe, that is me figuring out something about myself, but the perspective of others can give wisdom.
Now I don't normally want to give a fuck what other people think, but I'm also willing to listen to other people who are also in recovery, who are also struggling, because I think your perspectives are worth their weight in gold.
Much love. God bless.