Tw, this might be a bit heavy, idk what else to do, i need advice and community and from others with shared experiences, not just a psych
as per everyone, i was completely rejected my entire life and abused by parents for asd and adhd behaviours (I have always been diagnosed this is not new if it changes things), had to run away and survive from young.
I got kidnapped and 🍇🍇🍇 last year, barely survived and its brought on the massive unmasking; because unfortunately that was not even close to the worst thing thats happened. i have been assaulted so many times i cannot count them, groomed and abused as a result of my desperation for love and acceptance.
My entire personality is a defence mechanism, i do not even know what or who i am underneath it, i do not even know how to do it. Because I never had the chance to be anything before the wrath of life came. All i know is to shutup and perform, this is the first time ive poured my heart out to anyone besides a therapist, I am terrified of being perceived selfish, weak , dramatic or any weirder. I try to get angry and let myself feel but i cant, let alone set a boundary for myself.
Everyone I have ever met has told me they assume i was stuck up before they spoke to me, and were so ‘suprised’ by how kind and thoughtful I was, whatever that mean? My hyper vigilant awareness of social dynamics paralyses me. i know I am considered very conventionally attractive, and dress the part (because i want friends i guess) I do not mean this as a conceited thing, it is actually not helpful. I am desperate for female connection, but alot of women reject me because the men fetishise me., other ND women are having the same problems as me I imagine so also no initiation there (do not blame them!)
Other neurodivergent people are scared of me and avoid me because they do not recognise it on first glance (this is all stuff I have been told!!! Btw). I am a shell of myself lol
Yes i do have therapy and psychiatrist now, the gov gives it to me because of the crimes. But i want to hear advice from other people isolated because of such odd things. I am emotionally stable, and resilient. But i am lonely. I just want to be myself, and meet people like me, where I can discuss my interests openly without being fetishised or criticised. Without having to shrink myself constantly. I am just constantly watching myself through the lens of another and it dictates everything I do. It’s so exhausting.
I enjoy history philosophy theology & politics, I have an extensive knowledge of it and my life revolves around it. I find all those spaces oversaturated with men, who either fetishise women or demean and degrade them for it.
I saw someone post a comment saying ‘when you catch yourself dressing for other people, ask what you want to wear and do that!’ I do not even know. I have no idea. I am just trying to get to the next thing.
What small things helped you on the massive unwinding as someone extremely isolated and shy. How did you meet people? When you get assumed to be something you are not, but are too shy to ever show them?