TLDR, advice and perspective after I fell for an avoidant. Early last month I (27F) matched with a very cute and interesting guy (27M) on a dating app.
TLDR, advice and perspective after I fell for an avoidant
Early last month I (27F) matched with a very cute and interesting guy (27M) on a dating app. We both have our "looking for" set to longterm relationship. We both are a little nerdy. In my dating bio I made it very clear I can give affection and communication, but want a relationship where I receive it back. We hit it off on the app right away. We are hundreds of miles apart. When we first started talking we both agreed we were okay with this if it was for something real. The first week of texting he gave me everything I wanted. He responded right away, we flirted, we talked mutually about how much we wanted each other. He told me he'd hate himself if he ghosted me and I trusted him. He said literally everything I had been looking for in a partner. The second week was more of the same. We have opposite schedules (I work mornings, he works evenings,) so I was very understanding that he might not be available to me at all hours of the day. But one day something different happened. He started having "car" problems and began leaving me on read or delivered that day. After not hearing from him in over 12 hours I sent him a text that basically said " I miss you, I want you to text me soon, but I'm not going to send you multiple texts. I don't like to feel annoying." He responded that he was sorry he let me down. I told him I was fine and that if he needed space, that was okay and he could just say that. He then said the only thing he wants is the space between us to be smaller. Of course I believed him. At some point we both talked about having a depressive episode in the past, but how we'll have eachother to lean on in the future. Later we finally both decided on a day where we could make the time to call and talk to each other for the first time. The night before this call, I asked him what time worked for him and he said something like "from the time I wake up until I fall asleep. " I worked that day so I told him whenever I get off work and have dinner we could talk. I was nervous but so excited. He said he was excited too. Well that day came and I had my dinner, I waited hours for him to reply back to me so we could talk. It never came. When I realized he was just ignoring me again I said to him " guess you really weren't that excited. " That's when I got the excuse he was busy babysitting a family member and time slipped away from him. He offered to call but I had just left my house to clear my mind of the confusion and hurt I felt. After I told him I couldn't pick up at that exact moment, he left me on delivered all night. I messaged him again the next morning and basically said "It doesn't feel great being left on delivered all night. It's okay if your plans changed, but let me know, my time is precious to me." I told him in the same message I was trying not to get discouraged but don't do well once I feel unwanted. He said sorry, he has a lot going on and doesn't have time to look at his phone.... all I could reply back was understood. He said he wasnt trying to hurt my feelings but he has so much going on that he can't keep up. I said thanks for letting me know. Two nights passed without hearing from him and I couldn't stand it anymore I told him my truth. " I was honest about everything. I feel foolish for believing you. All I wanted was for you to be mine and to be yours. I am hurt and disappointed with the way things turned out. When it comes to dating I can't deal with inconsistent people, I hate to say it, but good luck. " He replied it was just unfortunate timing that we met when we did, he had too much going on, I'll find someone who can give me what I deserve and that he's sorry for misleading me in any way. Well after that I deleted him off of my friends list. I haven't blocked him. He can still message me. We are still matched on the dating app. I've updated my dating profile (he hasn't) but unmatching him isn't something I wanted to have to do. Today has been two weeks since his last text. I've fought myself so hard not to message him. Not to speak my heart because I'm afraid it'll push him away further and get my feelings involved again. But it kills me not to message him because I want him. And I feel super goofy for that, considering the way he treated me and switched up so fast.
A friend told me he's an avoidant and that if I ever want to hear from him again I just have to ignore him. But even if he does come back he will never be able to have the kind of relationship I want with him.
I guess I'm just looking for any advice on how to move forward from this point? Any outside perspective is welcome.
Thanks for reading.