i made a throwaway for this post cause i really do NOT need my irls knowing my business lmao. i hope i'm in the right place, i'm just a confused little nuggethead trying to figure shit out.
hello everyone, i'm 22f. CONTEXT: i was a VERY SHELTERED KID. i came out as a lesbian at the end of 2025, i'm in a sub/dom relationship with my girlfriend who is the sub and i go full masc daddy or mommy (im lowkey a little genderfluid lol) when i'm topping her. the two of us just recently got into kink and BDSM and we love it, but of course being at the beginning of our journey we're discovering a lot of new stuff along the way.
i went to an all girls school my whole life and up until i went to uni, my only interactions with men were when i worked in my teens and i had grown men desperate for me to pay attention to them. i had this one dude in particular who would constantly text me and ask me to hang out CONSTANTLY, always reply to my instagram stories, ask me what i was doing. the guy was gross and weird but i got off on the attention, and i loved how desperate he got when i ignored him. yup i'm fucked up lol. from then on i would always get the warm fuzzies when men gave me attention. not in a "i want to be with you" way but in a "this makes me feel powerful and sexy" way.
since the start of this year, i started as a cashier at work and i of course interact with a lot of people during the day. i noticed that when i see a middle aged (like 40-50 year old) dude who looks kinda sad, insecure or nervous i get kinda excited and curious. and i have this instinct where i want that kind of attention from them, and to firmly reject them and spit in their faces, etcetera. if the man at my checkout has too much confidence, seems to happy, or has too little personality to him he's basically like a blank wall to me. like i said earlier, i'm a lesbian and don't want to have sex with or be in a relationship with a man. but with a very specific genre of man, i have these fantasies about having them fawn over me while i ignore them and/or degrade them. i had my archetype of interest joking around with me at the checkout today, he gave me his phone number for the loyalty card and then said "you can jot that down and call me any time" and im like "what would we even talk about" because im a lil neurodivergent and didnt catch onto the fact that he was probably flirting. dude says "anything! anything anything" and of course my little gremlin ass was twiddling my thumbs thinking about the possibilities... if this man knew what thoughts were grinding through my gears... hmm!
i told my girlfriend about my thoughts last week since we are very honest about our feelings. she was VERY very into the idea, she said it would be a great way for me to tap into my dom side, that it would turn HER on, she's your classic man-hating lesbian as am i so she loved the idea of me degrading men for fun. so she asked me if i wanted to explore it. but thing is... what do i even do from here? i know of someone who worked as a dom for hire in her 20s but no longer does it and doesn't want to talk about it... i would honestly love to dip my toes into it. WHAT DO I DO??? i think it may be best as a fantasy in my head, but maybe i can express myself via online roleplay, creative writing, art?
anyone got any thoughts on this? please let me know!