I'm bisexual. My bf was uncomfortable with my conversations with some girls before. I tried to flirt with a girl once and then I didn't I liked her so I started talking to her as a friend a few days before I started dating with him. And we continued to talk for a few days after I started dating him as well but totally friendly. My bf read my messages once and saw that I never mentioned dating him to her and always referred to him as my friend. We only knew each other for a few days at that point so I didn't know if we would actually work out so I didn't want to mention him to her. I stopped talking to her a few days after we started dating anyway. He was really uncomfortable with that when he saw my messages and said I shouldn't be talking to someone I tried to flirt with once we started dating.
I also had an online guy friend when we started dating and he saw that I texted "love you" to that friend. I told that friend I was dating him but he was still uncomfortable that I would say something like that to a guy. I also had another guy friend who I talked on insta once and my bf had my insta account at that time so I deleted our messages because I talked about my bf and didn't want him to read that. He saw that I deleted a chat with a guy and was furious. Then he asked for screenshots from that friend and he told my bf he was being insecure. I blocked both of those friends and never talked to them again.
Now we had been dating for 6 months and we spend a lot of time together. I forgot to celebrate our 6th month anniversary (he always celebrates these things) a few days ago. He was angry that I forgot it for 6 months straight and we argued a few times about it.
And today he wanted to see my insta (he had been logged out of my account for a while). I opened it but before I do that I deleted a chat with a girl I met on an app to make online friends. The app was strictly to make friends and made group chats with three people. I only talked to 4 people on that app and only gave my insta to that girl. I knew my bf would misunderstand so I didn't wanna say that to him. So when he asked if I unfollowed someone I said no. But he kept pushing and I admitted that I unfollowed that girl because I didn't want him to misunderstand. I opened that app to show him my messages but not all the messages with her showed. And in one of the messages I told her her profile was so cute.
I lost a lot of friends in the last months and I basically only talk to him during the day. So sometimes I feel lonely. He said he wouldn't know what exactly happened since he couldn't see all of the messages. He asked me if I deleted our chat on insta and I said no and that I never texted her on insta. So I lied.
He said he really felt worthless in our relationship and wanted to break up. He blocked me almost on everywhere. I texted him on discord and begged him to take me back. He answered and then he finally accepted. He said he gave me only one more chance and if he caught me lying about anything ever again then we were done for good.
I love him so much and don't wanna lose him. I know he loves me too. I feel so bad that I made him feel like I didn't love him enough. My bf also made me text that girl asking for our screenshots like I was asking because I accidently lost the messages so he would see if I was lying. I messaged that girl and explained the situation to her and told her to not text me back and just block me without saying anything so that my bf would forget this and deleted the message on my end. I never want to lie to him ever again but he would break up with me for good if he ever found out that we texted on insta as well. I promised him I would never lie to him again.
He also told me I couldn't talk to girls like that or compliment random girls if I liked girls as well. Idk how to talk to girls other than this honestly because I have always talked to them like this but I told him I wouldn't if it made him uncomfortable.
He asked me why he wasn't enough for me that I kept trying to talk to other people and it made me feel so bad. Now he doesn't trust me. Honestly I'm gonna delete my reddit account as well before I meet up with him again. I don't know what I should do to get him to trust me again.
I'm sorry this was so long but I genuinely feel awful. He's the only good thing in my life right now and I think I could definitely hurt myself if I lost him.
Please help me and tell me how to get him to trust me again. What can I do to fix our relationship and make him feel loved again?
TL; DR:
My bf caught me lying to him about talking to someone(completely friendly) and this has happened before as well. He tried to break up with me and I begged him to stay. He stayed. Now he doesn't trust me and I don't know what I should do to get him to trust me again. Please help me. Actually pls read the post bcs the situation is complicated.