I'm not sure exactly how to start this but I just know I am tired and angry. My husband (29M) and I (30F) have been together 10 years and just got married in 2025 (!!!). We have always had different stress tolerances and ideas of initiative. Our work situations are quite different. I enjoy staying busy and am trying to pay off some debt so I work 2 jobs (sometimes 3 if I can get contract work) which means I work on weekends (a bit) and some week nights. My job is far so I commute about 45 min each way, 5 days a week. Meanwhile, he works a hybrid job (about 15 minutes away) and goes in the office usually only 1-2 days a week.
I usually wake up before him, leave for work first, come home around the same time, cook dinner (try to clean up the house a bit) and then will work a bit after dinner before some time together. Typically when I get home from work he is watching TV or napping. He'll then tell me how stressed he is from work and whatever projects he has going on. The conversation always ends with what I can do to support him.
He is a good and kind man. He is always patient, he's funny, and always there when I need him. But, I am so tired of being asked for more when I have nothing left to give. We've been in therapy talking about how to support each other in ways that we need but it seems like what I do is never good enough. I grab him his favorite ice cream at the grocery store, cook dinner, and ask if he wants some quality time but it's still not "taking care of him."
It's now made me resentful of anytime he asks me for help or asks for...anything. I've noticed my empathy towards his stress and feelings in general is waning and I feel guilty for that. It's not necessarily weaponized incompetence or him thinking women should do this in the relationship, he generally struggles with initiative and executive dysfunction (again, his words). I know I might sound like a monster who is saying "no one works as hard as me" but I don't need (or want) him to be different....I just want to be a bit more self-reflexive and self-regulated.
How do you navigate caretaking when you don't want to do it but love and support someone? How do you draw the line between "I want to help" and "I can't do this all the time." I'm just so fucking tired y'all.
tl;dr: how do you care for your partner when you are burnt the fuck out? how do you stay empathetic?
‼️update‼️
we talked tonight after I told him I want to set some firm boundaries on what is considered care and what is parenting. I told him I don’t want to parent my husband and he apologized. He’s apologized like this before so I set an ultimatum. I need to see him contributing to the household chores (and taking care of me too) or I am prepared to walk away. We set specifics and a timeline. I’ve also decided to take a couple days off both jobs and spend a weekend by myself on a mini vacation. I’m hoping this time away, and the ultimatum, is a realization that I am serious about this issue. Thank you to everyone for their advice, their honest takes, and even for calling me out on being an enabler. I’ve been in therapy my whole life and am (clearly) a people pleaser in the worst sense of the word. Im a kindergarten teacher so im learning when caretaking is good (like…with children) and when it’s time to prioritize myself. I know this means I am often taken advantage of but I hope this pattern can change for me. Even if it means starting fresh. 💖