Hi reddit, this would be my first time posting here... I'm just a silent reader, and even though I've had my account here for quite some time, I only started reading actively last year.
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about myself dahil na rin sa mga nababasa ko rito. I always somehow knew that I'm weird in some ways, and I've always been the weird friend in the group wherever I go. But lately, I don't know anymore if I'm just weird but still "normal" or if there really is something wrong with me.
I don't know where to start, but I guess I've been having weird thoughts since then. Maybe it's just that I overthink all the time and that my head is just always full of thought, but when I asked my bf and my friends about what it's like in their heads, they say that there are times that they're not really thinking, like their head is completely empty. As for me, every single thing is being narrated or noticed by my brain, even though my thoughts lack depth most of the time, I can still feel that my thoughts being focused on even minor details like how my shirt is touching my skin all the time or how my hair lays on my shoulder. There's not been a single minute that my mind lost its thoughts, and madalas ko marinig sariling boses ko sa utak ko... or maybe I've just convinced myself that I can hear myself talk, di ko alam kung alin ba talaga.
I've had thoughts of offing myself multiple times and it started during the pandemic, that's also the time when I started analyzing more of myself so I became quite aware of some weird stuff about who I am. I'm very picky when it comes to texture, scent, or even appearance of mostly food but also clothing, and I know that's quite normal and common for most people. I get overstimulated by noise, smells, and texture most of the time as well, triggering my anger issues, which also seems to be quite normal, I guess? I grew up in a family that doesn't know how to regulate emotions and doesn't show affection. I think my problems root from my relationship with my mother kase we're not close but she pretends as if she's a great mother to me sa harap ng ibang tao pero di naman nya ko napapansin sa loob ng bahay. There's been multiple times na kumakain ako sa harap nya ng full meals and after ko matapos kumain, saka lang sya magtatanong "Kumain ka na ba?" habang nakatingin pa rin sa phone nya. Kapatid ko ang paborito nya and she hates me kase kaugali ko raw si papa (iniwan kami for another family) so she's always angry with me, when in reality, my brother looks like my father and I was told that I look like my mom which I hate tbh.
Anyways, here's a list of some of the main things I experience or do.
- I mainly have trouble regulating my emotions
- Trouble sympathizing and emphasizing with people that I'm not really close with (even in cases of death), I also spent most of my time during pandemic practicing facial expressions like smiling, as well as how to socialize properly and how to respond correctly in certain situations.
- I have overstimulation problems
- Overthinking(?)
- Having a hard time making genuine friends (I end up being friends with people I don't like or don't vibe with for the sole purpose of not being alone)
- I have major issues with procrastination (really having trouble with following deadlines)
- I have a lot of plans and hobbies I like but never had the chance to start any of them (idk why, it feels like I'm mentally paralyzed because I have to think of other important things first like school responsibilities so I can't start anything else or multitask)
- I have memory problems too, I guess (I have trouble remembering details of my childhood, and I sometimes wonder if I'm just making fake memories as my childhood memory).
- I also talk over other people all the time, kaya siguro di nila ako gusto, because I feel like my thoughts and opinions about the current subject matter would slip away if I don't spit them right out.
- Whenever I have plans for the day (running errands, going to school) I can't seem to do anything else except to wait for my appointment or when I need to leave for my schedule for the day, but it's quite the opposite when it comes to following deadlines because I tend to do everything, like chores and unfinished minor tasks, around the house instead of doing my project for an upcoming deadline.
I know these all seem pretty normal for a girl in her teenage/adulting years kaya nga I'm now doubting myself kase parang di naman sya big deal or problem since I've been navigating my life like this since I can remember, which would be during highschool since I can't remember much of how I functioned on a daily basis during my elementary days...
I just want to know from others' perspectives if all this is normal or have I been living my life inefficiently dahil sa mga issues ko na to.
I also don't like to self-diagnose even though I am paranoid, and I tend to just tell myself that I'm overreacting and that there's nothing wrong with me lol. I would rather tell myself there's nothing wrong with me and deal with it than tell myself I'm not normal and be able to do nothing about it (can't afford to get professional help).
Sorry po kung medyo mahaba ang magulo, I just have trouble organizing my thoughts when it comes to explaining things about myself lol. I also have a lot of other weird things I noticed about myself, pero I just can't seem to summarize everything effectively in this post. I would really like to have your opinion and views about this and it would also be nice talking to people who are on the same page as me for a change. I'd be willing to answer further questions and discuss things because I am genuinely curious about what is happening to me and what others experience, but please be kind🥹