Dissociation from gender?
I’m 19, and Ive identified as FTM for almost 7 years.
I’m sure others may be able to relate, but those 7 years I spent completely obsessed and distressed by gender roles—Of course with my dysphoria, but also what it truly meant to conform and be one gender or the other. I would spend every single day worrying and thinking about my identity, and I also went through periods of time where I would worry about detransitioning. Even though I was met with a lot of gender euphoria, I was always anxious, still am.
A couple weeks ago I had a bad depressive episode because of my dysphoria. I felt completely alienated, completely uncomfortable in my body to the point where it felt physical. I felt very trapped inside.
Eventually when I got out of it, I started to think very deeply about what it truly meant to be a woman or a man. What meaning that really holds in myself or society, and is everything a woman or a man is supposed to be is just what we’re taught. If the things we enjoy, the personality traits we show to others, is something learned or truly truly biological—and if that biological sense ever even mattered in the first place.
That’s when I realized the biology didn’t matter to me, even though it may matter to others, or better yet it just is something they overlook.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I am nothing. I am literally nothing, not just label wise, like I am just skin and bones. Gender is nothing. At least not to me. That title doesn’t have to hold meaning to me at all if I don’t give it meaning. I keep almost zooming out on life and seeing everything so literal and wondering why I’m so animalistic. I could go on about this existence stuff.
But in all, I went to the doctors and just swallowed that she called me “girl”. It’s like I took it in because I knew that it means nothing in the world. I nodded at a guy as a greeting (because I still pass) and I liked it and it still didn’t matter. It’s like I still like being called “he” but it has no ties anymore.
I’m still working on reframing this obsession with gender, it shows more often than not.
But is this just apart of detransition? Or am I just kind of.. disconnecting? Am I realizing I’m nonbinary?
And why did it happen so fast? Not even a month ago I was so miserable in my body.
This kind of attitude feels safe a lot of the time. Like i’m just a body, and I can be nothing because in the end I’m just a brain. I had an appointment to start HRT in a couple weeks and cancelled it. Maybe I’m just gonna let myself flow out.