Hello Reddit! I am a older teenager (not giving my specific age because this is the internet) but at the moment I'm trying to figure out what wires got crossed in my head because I can tell something is wrong i just don't have a name for it. If this isn't appropriate for this sub let me know, and I'll take it down! I just want some kind of answer at this point TwT (Ps apologies for any punctuation or formatting issues writing is hard)
Onto what I'm actually here about: I am a contradictory mess, that much I can admit. I don't feel guilt when I hurt someone on purpose (usually through callous words or doing something that I know will make a person mad) hell it even gets entertaining when someone gets mad enough. I find it fun to watch people get mad and upset to the point of tears because of something I did on purpose as long as I know I'm safe from repercussions. But if I hurt someone on an accident, that's when I get hit with guilt, like accidentally being too rough when I play fight with my younger sibling, I feel genuinely terrible for hurting them on accident, but if I did it on purpose, I probably wouldn't have felt a hint of remorse.
(Breaking it up into another paragraph because it was becoming a wall of text). Also I have issues empathizing with the pain of people I don't know personally, like, I can have someone's murder brutally described and the effect it had on their loved ones told to me but I just won't care if I don't know them, I can't feel sorrow for those I don't know personally. No matter how hard I tried to care, I can't. I figured this much out when all those campaigns were coming out for the horror is happening in Gaza, I knew I was supposed to feel something I knew it was tragic but all I could feel was indifference, even if I know logically that what's happening to them is horrible.
Is there a name for what (or really the lack of what) I'm feeling? Any answer will be appreciate! Also I have adhd-c if gives any more hints.
Edit: Apparently I was feeling very eloquent before the sun was even up, it happens 🤷♀️