I don't know what's happening to me anymore
I've become a really strange person. Sometimes I'm full of energy and life but even then, there's this weird emptiness underneath. Sometimes I desperately want people to understand me, to love me, to make an effort for me. But at the same time, I can't bring myself to show any weakness. I don't open up. I don't share how I feel. I just tell myself I'll figure it out alone. And I'm stuck in this loop. Thoughts of suicide come and go, but then I ask myself will things actually be better after that? Call me crazy, but I think I've genuinely lost myself. I feel like everything that goes wrong is somehow my fault. Sometimes the anger gets so bad I feel like I could hurt someone but then I pull back. Why would I do that? What did they ever do to me? I don't know if I deserve good things. But my life feels like this I see something ahead of me, something that feels like exactly what I need, so I walk toward it. And just when I'm close, it moves away. Then something pulls me back hard like there are wounds on my back and then the whole cycle starts again. I don't know. Maybe I'm just losing it.