u/Acrobatic_Fig2727

Hey you with the face, thank you for not responding when I am having a legitimate mental health crisis. It makes it easier to accept my fate, to sit in this mental quicksand and darkness that has enveloped my brain for years.

And honestly it's better this way, and I needed to face the truth I never mattered and we were never actually friends, FWB or anything at all. I'm telling myself I was wrong, it was my imagination now. I also realized something else. Even though I've dated a bunch, had boyfriends I don't think I will ever be able to be in love with anyone ever again due to the abuse--being married to a legit DIAGNOSED covert pwNPD (yes by an actua dr.)l for over 10 years didn't help.

It's not that you aren't worthy, I don't want to be like this. I am beyond emotions now, not sure if my depression is better or worse. And I'm scared that one day, not at all likely knowing my luck, but one day a genuine, good man will come along and I won't let him in due to my scars. I thought I was enjoying the single life again, but the more I thought about it the more it.was like putting a band aid on 42 bullet holes. And I am sorry I lumped you in with trying to feel SOMETHING.

I wasn't't lying though when I said I cared about you, I did. And how you treated me the one time I needed you the most showed me what I knew along: I cared, you never did. When you told me to tell you I loved you and I paused, that wasn't rejection, you didn't have to follow it with "You don't have to mean it". It felt like a lie and I didn't want to do that to you.

That wasn't't fair to you, but I don't regret being there for you, or being your friend. You taught me a lesson. A shitty, CONFUSING AF, painful, frustrating, and hard lesson.

I'm still not sure why you acted the way you did, said the untrue and harsh words. I tried to show you with my actions, not just words, were genuine, but even me sending a meme, asking if you wanted to hang out, that was me trying to show you I was trying to be your friend. All that taught me was that even though I was there for you when you needed me, even though I tried my hardest to be what you needed, nothing was ever enough, nothing I did was right. The rules kept changing for a game I wasn't aware I was in....and I didn't get the memo.

I should have cut my losses a long time ago, and I am not grieving or sad for letting you go anymore. I've moved on, my numbness has taken over and never looking back this time. I'm not chasing you anymore, I'm over it officially now. I hope you're okay, but I won't be reaching out ever again.

    And just to be clear, I am not mad, or upset. idk if it's a good thing but I feel nothing towards you or the whole friendship of over 15+ years now.  Not because I have anything against you, just that your words and actions don't match up, I no longer care why you acted like I was this secret, when all I ever wanted was to let you know you're being seen, you're .heard and important to me. 

    It took me.years, but I realized now that maybe my harsh inner voice has been correct all along.  I mean nothing to anyone, and I don't matter to anyone--and I now accept this as my lot in life.  

Hey you with the face, thank you for not responding when I had a legitimate crisis. It makes it easier to accept my fate, to sit in this mental quicksand and darkness that has enveloped my brain for years.

And honestly it's better this way, and I needed to face the truth I never mattered and we were never actually friends, FWB or anything at all. I'm telling myself I was wrong, it was my imagination now. I also realized something else. Even though I've dated a bunch, had boyfriends I don't think I will ever be able to be in love with anyone ever again due to the narcissistic abuse--being married to a covert narcissist for over 10 years didn't help.

It's not that you aren't worthy, I don't want to be like this. I am beyond emotions now, not sure if my depression is better or worse. And I'm scared that one day, not at all likely knowing my luck, but one day a genuine, good man will come along and I won't let him in due to my scars. I thought I was enjoying the single life again, but the more I thought about it the more it.was like putting a band aid on 42 bullet holes. And I am sorry I lumped you in with trying to feel SOMETHING.

I wasn't't lying though when I said I cared about you, I did. And how you treated me the one time I needed you the most showed me what I knew along: I cared, you never did. When you told me to tell you I loved you and I paused, that wasn't rejection, you didn't have to follow it with "You don't have to mean it". It felt like a lie and I didn't want to do that to you.

That wasn't't fair to you, but I don't regret being there for you, or being your friend. You taught me a lesson. A shitty, CONFUSING AF, painful, frustrating, and hard lesson.

I'm still not sure why you acted the way you did, said the untrue and harsh words. I tried to show you with my actions, not just words, were genuine, but even me sending a meme, asking if you wanted to hang out, that was me trying to show you I was trying to be your friend. All that taught me was that even though I was there for you when you needed me, even though I tried my hardest to be what you needed, nothing was ever enough, nothing I did was right. The rules kept changing for a game I wasn't aware I was in....and I didn't get the memo.

I should have cut my losses a long time ago, and I am not grieving or sad for letting you go anymore. I've moved on, my numbness has taken over and never looking back this time. I'm not chasing you anymore, I'm over it officially now. I hope you're okay, but I won't be reaching out ever again. And just to be clear, I am not mad, or upset. idk if it's a good thing but I feel nothing towards you or the whole friendship of over 15+ years now.

I want to write to you, knowing you're the ONE person that would understand my excruciating eternal sadness and pain. But I know you'll twist into something it's not, and I am not playing the victim here. I think I have officially hit my limit...in life. I no longer want to do anything, go anywhere. I've shut everyone out for months, the good ones and the toxic. The good ones because I dont want to trauma dump, or seem like "oh woe is me", and honestly bc I dont want them to know how broken I am and worry. Absolutely nothing I have done, meds, therapy, has​ helped my CPTSD. I'm a lost cause. My life has been nothing but a series of heartbreak and me internalizing how was treated--injustice, cruelty, narcissistic abuse, deceit and lies. Despite my abusive upbringing carrying over into my relationships growing up, I never took it out on anyone. You'd think Id become more bitter, angry. My anger turned inward, my inner voice only becoming more hostile and judgemental. The Absolute brutal honesty? I am over...life. not being dramatic, I dont see the point. I have no joy, no goals, nothing to look forward to. I feel only 2 things for over a year now: numbness or sadness. Throw in anger and frustration on occasion. I wish I knew what true happiness feels like, to have people be completely honest and open, reciprocate how I am. Had more than one person mock me bc I would say I wanted everyone to just "be cool" and wanted everyone to find their own happiness. I meant it too. I think I want it so bad for everyone else, even people I don't know because I dont know what it feels like, I don't know what true love is like, and I know what it feels like to be utterly alone and depressed all the time. The one person that would understand runs so hot and cold with me too, and sometimes is a fucking asshole.

I haven't even told anyone this out loud, I lied to my therapist and said I was doing better. Truth is, Ive only been this close to the edge one other time, and there are only 2 humans preventing me from doing anything about it. 2. I'm officially giving up on being that person's friend, myself, everything. There is no point, no "it'll get better". I've had Absolutely everything in my life came crashing down the past 5 years, I cant say that I didnt contribute to it AT ALL, but the amount of terrible life altering things that happened to me all at once isn't deserved. I will gaslight myself, tell myself I deserved it but on paper, outside looking in I do not. I feel like its a sign from the universe that I don't belong here, my story has no further chapters. I wish I could send this to you, but you wouldn't give a shit and absolutely no one else outside those 2 humans does. I won't delude myself into thinking I actually matter to you, or actually matter to anyone and I accepted this long ago. I wish the pain would just stop, even if it just for a few minutes.