u/AcrobaticArmadillo52

My SS (6) made two Mother’s Day gifts at school and excitedly gave one to me because he said I’m “the best stepmom” and “best mom ever,” which honestly meant a lot and almost made me cry. But instead of just enjoying it, I immediately got anxious about possible backlash from BM or him later feeling guilty and asking for it back. What also makes me sad is my SD used to be very openly affectionate toward me too — last Mother’s Day we all spent together and she even talked about wanting to call me “mom.” But ever since around January, after a lot of conflict between households and BM painting herself as the victim/badmouthing us, there’s been a noticeable shift where it feels like SD gets uncomfortable or resentful if we’re too close or bonded, like being warm toward me somehow equals betraying her mom. I’ve especially noticed moments where we’ll genuinely be connecting or having a good time, and then it’s almost like she suddenly realizes it and shuts down or becomes cold/disinterested toward me. Today when she saw the Mother’s Day gift and necklace her brother gave me, she seemed visibly bothered even after I explained he had made two gifts and their mom still had one too. It’s honestly heartbreaking and confusing watching that change happen in real time when things used to feel so natural and loving between us. Has anyone else experienced this kind of loyalty conflict with stepkids?

Last year, my partner’s ex gave their 9-year-old daughter an iPhone “to communicate,” but he wasn’t on board with it. Their parenting plan (signed after that) says both parents have to agree on the kids having devices.

The issue is how it’s actually playing out:

- SD comes over with the phone and tends to call/text her mom anytime she’s being corrected or disciplined instead of working through the situation.
- If she’s not in trouble, she doesn’t really use it much.
- She’s also gotten very fixated on whether people are responding to her messages, especially her mom, and gets upset when she doesn’t get a reply.
- Dad had no involvement in setting up the phone, accounts, or rules.

At one point SD came over saying something weird showed up on her phone — it turned out there was a TikTok installed and an account made using her full name. Dad asked mom about it and she said she made it to “try something,” which made him uncomfortable.

He ended up keeping the phone at our house and not sending it back with her. It ended up getting misplaced in the car during a move, and we’re in the process of locating it so it can be returned.

Now we’re trying to figure out the best way to handle this going forward. He doesn’t agree with her having a phone at this age, especially without both parents being on the same page, and with how it’s been affecting behavior and emotional regulation.

Would you:

1. Return the phone to mom and just not allow it during dad’s time?
2. Try to set rules around it anyway?
3. Push the issue legally since the parenting plan requires agreement?

Curious how others would handle this in a co-parenting situation.