Sexual trauma from spanking
I am making this post simply because I need to talk somewhere and it is impossible for me otherwise. I plan to delete the post in a short time.
I am not necessarily the typical profile here. I am a French Gen Z man. I grew up in a progressive and somewhat atypical family (less so now). Clearly, in my family it is my mother who has the power. I am here from a remarriage; my parents are from the baby boomer generation, and my (half) brother and sisters are all Millennials with a significant age gap (9 to 17 years). I had a happy childhood, with lots of love, (over)protected by my parents and siblings. My sisters were practically little mothers for me. They babysit, took me out, gave me gifts, and then I came to sleep at their house.
However, despite their undeniable progressivism in politics, my parents maintained a relatively traditional view of education when it came to punishments. My mother spanked me very young (I have no memory, but according to her, through a discussion two years ago).
The time when I was spanked the most was between the ages of 4 and 7. This form of punishment stopped around the age of 9. The spankings I received were the "traditional" bare buttocks.
I also have flashes of having been spanked twice by two of my sisters around 6 years old but I'm not sure if these spankings took place (I think so but I'm not completely sure and I prefer not to discuss this subject with my sisters).
Some people know the problem here. The fact that I was regularly spanked with my bare buttocks when I was young disturbed a lot. In CE1 class (7 to 8 years old) I naturally began to sexualize spanking, masturbating lying on my stomach on my bed. I imagined myself as a victim of women, girls I knew (teacher, classmates etc.).
I was quickly discovered but I never said what I was thinking. My parents found it strange that an 8-year-old boy could do that, but they didn't question the reasons any further. Besides, they didn't try to stop me from doing it, considering that it was part of my personal privacy.
I didn't really understand why I was doing this. After all, the idea of being spanked originally terrified me enormously. I looked up the word "fessée" (spanking in French) in the dictionary at home or at school. It struck me when I heard the word. I started to realize that I was "abnormal" in CM2 class (10 to 11 years old) and even more so in middle school.
I have made sure to keep my sexual fantasies a secret over the years, refusing to have a relationship with a girlfriend (other than a pure platonic friendship) to spare others my fantasies. It's a secret that is very heavy to keep and my sexuality is both very invasive and embarrassing. I feel extremely dirty, I am disgusted with my impulses and find myself horrible. The irony is that I have great difficulty pronouncing the word "fessée" orally because it is so loaded for me.
It is impossible to talk about this with my circle. I am loved and get along very well. My mother would be devastated if she learned about my situation and that she is largely responsible for it.
I do not understand how people can practice this punishment on a child (or an adult like in some countries). It is obvious that spanking someone's buttocks, even more so when bare, will be sexualizing and traumatizing. I do not understand why most people do not consider that it is sexual assault on a child. Every time I hear someone say that it is a good way to educate, that someone says that it does no harm and that it is effective, I am completely shocked. My country officially banned it in 2019 but nothing has actually been done. People think their children are possessions. I hope that as few children as possible will have to endure spanking.
I am happy to have been able to express myself and I thank the existence of this space.