My (M41) Wife (F44) asked to be de-sexualized her and it's impacting our sex life. How to fix??
As per any relationship, things were hot and heavy and has understandably tapered off over time. I'm high on physical affection and she is not. Her libido has dropped and it was tough for me to adjust to 1/4 the rate of sex like we used to in our 20s. It got even lower to point where she had to schedule sex just to make sure she goes through with it on her end once or twice a month. So I greatly appreciated she made effort.
Time progressed +10 more years, I'm still where I was initially but her libido/intimacy has continued to drop. I still make little sexual innuendo comments, squeeze of butt when hugging, the occasional grope, or when sleeping cuddling a cupping of her breasts. She has basically dropped the hammer and said no more of that* (except it's not 100% no more, just I need that read her mind to know if it's ok). She's asked me to stop sexualizing her, random sexual touches, rolls eyes at innuendo jokes, etc.
Ok so I been doing that. I've greatly reduced sexualizing her. But now that I shut off sexualizing her, I've noticed my attraction to her is plummeting. It's getting more and more difficult to reach climax with her. Any time I talk about my sex/intimacy needs, it blows up into huge fight further driving my desire for her away. I can't touch, tease, sexy comment her to work her or myself up and she sure as hell fights against when I bring up I need more stimulation than "hey let's watch porn then fuck tonight" to get into the mood now.
I've upped date nights, random flowers/gifts, and other typical reddit suggestions seen in other threads. I've tried setting time for us to connect over something, like a tv show, but she just sits there on phone and not in moment with me. I took a new higher paying job to let her be stay at home wife to ease her life. She doesn't really cook much or do cleaning. We split chores, each doing our own laundry and what not. She is basically walking us to roommate situationship and I'm at a loss. I just need to feel desired, have her just (non sexual) touch me a few times a day if we are going this route. But she just fights against even that.
I can't talk to her about my needs without her making it a fight about how she is a failure. I can't keep desexualizing her since I'm losing interest in sex with her, and it's having greater negative build up about her. What do I/we do?