Situationship was my first love
I've been struggling with this for almost a year now. I am 21 and I've never been in a relationship and last year I started seeing a guy I liked for some time.
Needless to say I was never seeing anyone regularly or consistently because I never felt that internal pull towards the other person. But this guy was the only one i was seeing for some time because I finally started wanting something like this.
This guy was fresh out of his previous relationship but still wanted to keep seeing me. But things started escalating (like intimacy, cuddling, kissing) and he was basically my first everything because I never let anyone that close to me before and he knew all of these things.
I was naive at the time and we had several conversations about this where he knew I wanted something more serious and he was telling me that he didn't want a relationship but we still continued seeing each other.
I even slept with him once because I felt comfortable with him enough and trusted him.
Later it became a bit more complicated and we stopped seeing each other but I don't want to go into detail.
Thinking back at it, it kinda crushed my mental healt and since then I've been crying over it because I feel as if the first person I developed a deep attachment to didn't even want to be with me in a relationship. And that he was never my boyfriend while he was my first body.
People in relationship at least know that they were chosen and the other person wanted to be with them but I never got that not even with my first and only person so far and i still cry because of it. And I can't help this feeling because he never chose me properly and that can't be retroactively changed.
And I didn't feel anything for anyone after him so far.