Venting post about my bpd and its roots.
I guess this a venting post. I’m not seeking advice in this. Although I would appreciate it if you share your own experience, just to make me feel less alone.
During therapy today, I came to a hard realization. My mom emotionally abandoning me at a young age was a cause of my bpd and fear of abandonment. I normally don’t like to shame my mom because one, she’s been through a lot. Up until 12 we were stuck with my ex stepdad. He was abusive. I won’t go into depth on that. But during that time period she didn’t really spend much time with me. It did hurt but even as a kid I understood that my mom was stressed and me needing attention would just make it worse ( it usually did when I expressed my needs ).
During my teens, she struggled with addiction. I won’t say what drug but it was hard on her. During that time is when my bpd symptoms became more pronounced. I was impulsive, self destructive, and depressed. I slept around a lot. I drank. I smoked. She didn’t know any of it. She wasn’t paying much attention to begin with though. When she did finally get involved with me and my sister again, she was mainly focused on my sister. I was seen as the independent kid. The kid who could handle things on their own. So my sister got most of the attention. I do feel resentful of that fact tbh.
Now as an adult..she’s still more focused on my sister. Has more pictures with her. Barely takes me anywhere just to hang out. We barely connect.
I’m trying to mend this. But I fear it’s been going on too long. I love her. She’s my mom. But..I’m hurt. I’m very hurt. I wish things were different. I wish I had a good connection with her.
Anyways, share your experiences if you want:)