Is it possible to handle these relationships?
Hi everyone. I’m looking for some perspective on my situation. I’m fairly new to the complexities of BPD, but I’ve quickly realized I’m living in a cycle of emotional control that is starting to cost me my identity and my sense of logic.
I’ve always believed that humans are a social, collaborative species. I don't view my partner as my "property," and I don't believe in "borders" or "cages" in a relationship. I work hard, provide, and take my responsibilities seriously—I believe in having a "backbone" and acting out of logic rather than primitive impulses like jealousy. But this philosophy is being shredded by my current reality.
Recently, a female friend messaged me about hanging out since I had a day off. My partner saw the message while we were in the car yesterday. She didn't say much then, but she stayed up all night spiraling. At 5:30 AM, she woke me up to confront me.
During our talk, she kept bringing up "respect" and "sacrifice." In her view, if I truly respected her, I would be willing to sacrifice any outside connection that makes her feel uneasy. She kept telling me that I "don't understand her," which is hard because I’m trying to use logic while she is coming from a place of BPD. She even used the classic line: "You can do whatever you want, but I’m just telling you that I feel uncomfortable." To me, that’s not a choice; it’s a trap.
She also brought up her past relationships, mentioning how she has been cheated on before. She uses her past trauma as a justification for her current control, but it's incredibly frustrating because I am not those people. I feel like I'm being punished for the sins of her exes, and no matter how much I provide or stay loyal, it’s never enough to "earn" my freedom. One thing she said was that she would give up anything that I was uncomfortable about, I told her I would never stop you from doing anything just because I’m uncomfortable.
She told me she’s only staying in her DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) for my sake, and that she feels "uncomfortable" with any woman being near me at all. I feel like I'm being held hostage by her instability and her definition of what a "respectful" partner should be.
I ended up deleting my friend, but I feel like a coward for doing it. I'm honestly terrified of what my partner might do to herself if she "breaks." But at the same time, I realize that if "feeling uncomfortable" is a valid reason to ban people from my life, there is no end to what she can forbid. I’m losing my social capital and my integrity.
How do you handle the guilt of "causing" their pain when you're just trying to be a normal, social human being? How do you deal with being held responsible for their past traumas and exes? Is it even possible to maintain a "backbone" and personal boundaries without triggering a total breakdown or self-harm threats?