I(17TM) recently realized something my mother(42f) did to me when I was little, was SA
TW obviously for CSA and talking about sexuality of a minor(in the least detail possible), but also mentions of gender dysphoria.
Before I start, I've looked up the definition of SA
"Sexual assault takes many forms including attacks such as rape or attempted rape, as well as any unwanted sexual contact or threats. Usually a sexual assault occurs when someone touches any part of another person's body in a sexual way, even through clothes, without that person's consent.". I've done my research, I've doubted myself, and I still doubt myself about whether or not this was SA, but by definition it is. I didn't want it, and I couldn't say no.
I've known there's something off about the way I interact with people for a while. It's not as bad with non-family-members(A red flag already) but it's still there. Whenever someone puts their hands near/on my waist or stomach(like during doctor appointments, hugs, and dancing) I have a visceral reaction that includes panic. I have sensory issues due to low-level autism, but it feels different than that. I'm also very protective of my body(Like hating wearing/panicking when thinking about wearing or people suggesting I wear something that's even a little revealing. I'm talking shorts that are a little too short or even certain bathing suits. It feels different than dysphoria, and it's not like I'm not confident. I know I look good, it's just a weird panicky feeling. And whenever I encounter media depicting SA, I get REALLY panicky. Not the usual "Oh this is bad and I feel horribly bad for this person" but like full on fight or flight, anxiety attack reaction like I'm the person getting assaulted. The first time that happened I realized there might be something wrong.
Now that there's context, I'll get into it.
Basically, I was an early bloomer in the experimenting department. I was using self-pleasure as a coping mechanism starting at at least 6, I was stressed constantly because my mom was single and also constantly stressed. I do believe it's ok for little kids to experiment, because it just goes like 'oh this feels good I'll do more of it', and it's not like it's even sexual(or it shouldn't be. It might've been for me because I did know what sex was at the time. My mom gave me the talk when I was 5 and I literally didn't remember that until she mentioned it offhandedly earlier this year) at that age. But I was doing it excessively and in public, which isn't ok, but I didn't get a talking to about that. It was just the fact that I did it at all. That's a bit of trauma in itself. But I'm rambling, because this is hard for me to talk about. Basically she would lay me on my back without my pants and look at my privates to see if I'd touched myself. Like, peeling my labia apart. She would point at the bumps on my inner labia and say 'this is how I know you've been touching yourself. I will always know.'(I mean, I remember testing it, little bumps did appear after I touched myself so it wasn't like she was lying). The first and only memory I have of this is when I was 6, I know it happened several times and I know it stopped somewhere around 7.
But remembering that happening I feel disgusting. She knew I wasn't trying to penetrate myself or anything, so she knew I wasn't hurting myself too. She was poking around my privates and I know I didn't like it, but I wasn't able to say anything because I was taught parents could do no wrong, or I did say something and was shot down because she was my mother. I've yet to bring this up to her because I don't know how she'll react, she had the gall to be surprised when I got addicted to adult content at 7, when she knew what she told me at 5, so she's a bit clueless when it comes to the damage she's done. Anyway, I don't know why I'm posting this, I think I just want to get it out and maybe get some advice on healing and talking to her.