i fucking hate people. it feels like friends are an illusion.
(Advice allowed)
I lost my entire social circle within the span of a month. Over ten people just left me including my gf of four years, my best friends of 7+ years and almost all of my brand new friends just completely abandoned me. I have nothing and no one except for my pets and it makes me feel so lonely.
I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask to be put here. I just wanted to be loved. I just wanted to belong. But all people do is hurt me. It's only when I try to kill myself where people start reaching out and being like "omg uwu im always here for you!!!" then fucking crickets when i want to talk.
I used to blame myself whenever people left me because of my splitting and anxious attachment but this time I genuinely did not deserve this. I gave them everything I had. I really did. I put them in front of me. I did everything in my power to make them feel loved and like they belonged but all they do is hurt me and it makes me sad. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I just want to be happy. I've given up my entire life/dream goals because I'm in survival mode just trying to stay alive so I can take care of my animals. that's literally it.
But really I'm already dead. I'm just a dead girl walking and rotting. I hate people. I hate how selfish and self centered everyone is. Everyone seems to fucking hate me for no actual reason and I'm so tired of it. And the people that don't are never there when I needed them. It's like a sick joke or something. What is the point in being a social species when I can't even socialize with anyone. Again I literally feel dead. It wasn't until I tried to kill myself where everyone started loving me and blowing my shit but THEY DON'T EVEN READ MY RESPONSES LET ALONE FOLLOW UP ON THEIR REASSURANCE THAT I CAN REACH OUT IF I NEED THEM.
WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS TO ME. I DIDN'T ASK TO BE PUT ON THIS EARTH. I JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED. I HATE PEOPLE. HATE. FUCK ALL OF THEM. THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE COULD DIE AND I WOULD NOT CARE LESS.