Getting over anxiety from a partner seeing a friend
I'm in a bit of a unique situation here, me and my girlfriend (Macey) got involved in a trio, and things are getting a bit messy with someone we're both friends (Rachel) with seemingly only being into Macey. (im much more of a 1 on 1 person I think because situations like this get messy...)
edit: there's two relationships going on here, me and Macey, we're NP's and poly, and the trio who all live together. We are fwb with them on a very casual level, and all five of us hang out together a lot.
I'll preface that I have massive insecurity issues over topping as its never been something I've had the opportunity to do, even though I want to. In my whole life I've never gotten the opportunity even though I've bottomed dozens of times at this point, whenever I hear about someone topping, I get pangs of jealousy and angry at myself over it. Macey also can't bottom, because of medical issues.
Anyway, I like Rachel, not romantically, but I think she's really attractive, fun, and if she was down to play around I'd also be down. She doesn't seem to be into me at all though, she only seems to talk with Macey, is only physically intimate with her, and so on. I haven't really had a huge issue with Macey playing around with anybody, until Rachel. Rachel is a bottom, and I get massive waves of anxiety and anger at myself whenever I hear that they might hookup, and I really don't know what I can do to help fix it for myself. I've telling Macey over and over again that I don't intend to stop her or get frustrated at her if she goes ahead with Rachel, and try to just explain my frustrations with never topping, but she really doesn't take it well.
The first time I tried explaining it I got told that I was just trying to stop her from exploring herself and preventing her from having her own experiences, and we nearly broke up over it because of how badly that hurt me. I needed over a week of space away from her, and got sent into a terrible depression the entire time. Things re stabilized eventually though, but it didn't really do anything except make feel very exhausted and beat mentally. We've kept hanging out with the trio, and Rachel seems more and more into Macey, and every time I hear about it my anxiety flairs up over all my insecurities about sex, and I really don't know how to handle it. Just tonight I tried voicing that I was frustrated at myself and I didn't get any support it felt like, I was just told it gives her anxiety, and now we're both at a loss as to what to do.
She says me getting anxiety affects her personal life, she has to think about me instead of going and having fun with people, but at the same time I don't know where else I'm supposed to voice any of this. Do I just keep quiet and not say anything and fake happiness it when she might hookup with Rachel? Do I cut myself out of the situation and try to just only hangout with my crush in the trio? (this doesn't really seem possible, I'd be excluded from almost everything and I really like hanging out with them all) It feels like a really pathetic thing to even talk about at all, it makes me massively desperate and sad, and if my girlfriend is saying it gives her anxiety, I don't know what I can even do or where I can go to vent.
I can't even just get my needs met through apps or anything because sex feels like mostly nothing unless its with someone I genuinely like