I have struggled with self-harm thoughts all of my life, but have only recently fallen victim to them (about 5 times in the past 3ish months). Ive also similarly dealt with a lot of suicidal thoughts throughout my life. The first and second time I SHed there was that intense guilt and shame that I have often heard described, but eventually it got less so to the point where I don’t see any noticeable increase in depressed thoughts afterwards, almost if anything the opposite, and I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts that were previously almost constant in the couple days since the most recent time.
I think there is some twisted sense of justice I get from seeing myself injured, but whenever I think back to the actual cutting I get that same “high” that people talk about, and I can feel it even a little throughout the day or two after. I also cut very lightly, barely enough to bleed and the marks fade entirely in about a week, and of course I don’t have a lot of experience but I cannot imagine myself wanting to go deeper.
So I guess I just want some general advice since I can’t find many similar stories to mine of finding tangible benefits without many negatives, and I know that there must be stuff Im not thinking about so I just need someone to point it out for me, because at least right now I cant find any logical reason why I should stop.