Please help, question.
Hello everyone, and sorry in advance for the long post.
Since september last year, my mind has been bombarded by thoughts combined with extreme anxiety and borderline depression. It all started when I saw a gay dude on instagram, and I looked at him and then my mind told me "now that you've looked at him, you're gay", so then I had to do a specific ritual to undo that. Then I was just having with my friends and someone threw a gay joke, and my anxiety literally went up so hard and I had thoughts saying "what if you are a closeted bisexual your whole life?". I couldn't get any peace, so after sometime I decided to watch gay porn, I did it, didn't get hard and literally felt nauseous and wanted to throw up. But everytime I did the test, my mind was telling me "you were anxious so you couldn't get a reaction, repeat the test" etc. So finally, when I did that, my mind told me " do yu remember when you were 10 and you had 2 gay fantasies and 1 shemale fantasy you wanked off to?". That literally made me crazy, I did do that, but I never felt romantically or sexually atracted to any men, I just wanked off to it those 3 times in total, didn't think anything about it, and never done that again. So I've tested myself yet again, and got hard for one of thouse thoughts. That day was one of the worst days in my life, I couldn't eat, sleep, couldn't socialize, study. My mind was bombarding me with "the truth has finally came out, you're a closeted bi". That's the first time I wrote for help on google, and I wrote "ocd made me gay", and I've learned about HOCD. I've read about false attraction, all the other stuff, etc. And I've continued testing myself with that same particular fantasy, and never got any reaction again. I thought I've figured it all out, and that it was just a groinal response because of anxiety, and decided not to test myself ever again. Needles to say, I continued testing myself, with more gay porn, and about a month ago, I got a slight reaction down there, literally like a 10% expansion. Also, the compulsions or as I call them "tests" have increased and became more and more difficult to a point where I didn't just need to not get hard, my penis had to shrink (yes , you've read that right) to a full turtle position, or it had to shrink at the right speed for me to feel relieved. After that, my mind was having thoughts like "one time can be a groinal response, but not the second time, the truth is coming out". I managed to somehow test myself and satisfy myself with the tests, then came the another test where I was watching trans woman, since I've also had that fantasy when I was 10, and then I proceeded to masturbated to it again since I got hard. I then proceeded to test myself with those fantasies, and didn't get an erection ever again. Then I've read somewhere that straight guys cannot get hard nor ejaculate from watching gay porn, that made me crazy, and I've tried that, and eventually after some wanking, I managed to ejaculate, it all felt so automatic, and so wrong, and I was disgusted by it all. I've even managed to somehow get out of that too, since I had a talk with 2 gay individuals that told me I have HOCD, and that that was just a biological reaction to stimulation by hand, and that I should stop testing myself and that I am not bi. I felt relief (everytime I "pass the test" I feel great, my anxiety fades away and I get a burst of happiness), but yesterday, I've spiraled back into it, by watching another gay porn, I also got 10% increase down there, it made me crazy, so I tested myself by masturbating to it to compare the feeling of that to the feeling that I get when masturbating to straight porn, etc. Now, I am in awe, and desperate, my mind is telling me "no straight guy does this, you definetly aren't straight, and this is not HOCD". I've always had high libido and have been interested only in women, been in love with them, had amazing sex, had relationships, I've been around naked guys my whole life since I am into sport, and never even had a thought to look at one of them. I was never romantically or sexually atracted to men, only women. I've had OCD from as long as I can remember, with various themes (health, relationship, death, etc.) but the thoughts are now telling me "this isn't HOCD, no straight person watches gay porn nor gets any reaction down there while watching gay stuff, nor jerks off to it to compare the feeling of it to the feeling of jerking off to straight porn, you are bi, maybe you would like to do things with a man". I am desperate, I can't see myself with a man ever in my life, and I don't want to, but these thoughts are telling me "do you really don't want that?" and they are troubling me so much. So, what do you think, is this just denial or is it HOCD?
Please, share your thoughts, sorry for the long post.