salam
long story short i was infatuated with a guy secretly for around 3,5 years. I didnt tell anyone about it because i felt emabarssed (it was the first time i realized i had some kind fo feelings) but i felt like it started developing into some kind of unhealthy disease or obsession with time. We met online and then irl couple times (it wasnt a date just randomly ). Then i wake up one day im hacked by him and he looked through my mail and he went through my mail and read things from years ago. He read all my mistakes then i scrolled casually on the forums and i find all everything on the platform written there. At first i thought it was other people then it became a little bit too familiar because there was some unique sitations on my email. I also found phising emails, accounts which doesnt belong to me, i tried delteing them but they would be recreated. evrything which points to hacking. All because i posted my email on a common group and i dont know any guy on there who would do anything like that besides him. I only know someone from the same ethnicity as mine but hes a close family friend and wouldnt do anything like that. I also had my pictures without hijab which also makes it further embarassing .
I became so shocked that i completely got several mental breakdowns, especially before my period, literally the people around me didnt know WHAT was happening but they just knew i was having some kind of stress reaction. Literally my face would change, sometimes id see photos and my face would look really odd like it would swell up from the stress even my mom said the shape of my face changed, i lost my appetite and lost weight , i would get fevers from humiliation, i would cry so much that i thought my heart would break ...... I also erased myself completely everywhere and basically stopped being active anywhere. I was not only scared he would share it with other people but it felt humiliating just another human knowing things about me which i didnt approve of sharing.
A couple months passed , around 7 and I dont feel like i moved on from him 100% because sometimes some random things through the day would trigger me maybe a lecture or something i read or a place i visit and i would start weeping again and it triggers a feeling of despair. I feel most of the time dead inside. I dont know how to describe the feeling like i lost my ability to feel. I feel like i lost a version of my self i want to go back to. Its not only the injury but also the feeling of loosing someone or feeling rejected.
I also looked into his own past and i realized he probably was married twice or perhaps even more Allah knows best. Im grieving the years i was in love with someone who wasnt meant for me. I felt like i put someone on a high pedestial and it wasnt mutual. Basically from ages 23-27. I felt like my entire youth was wasted especially since that very period he entered my life again, i received some proposals. One of them already got married. I dont even want to look for marriage because i ended up getting hurt/ deceived/lied to repteadly.
Sorry for the negativity this just really impacted me emotionally.