Following your heart vs mania
Just read a post on here about a guy who dropped everything to pursue music and the comments called him manic. It was a timely post, as just before I was out on a walk wondering if I had lost my own mind. A thought I ponder upon from time to time. And it genuinely freaks me out. Kind of like that uneasy feeling you get in your gut about 30 minutes into a psilocybin trip. I wanted to share a bit of that here to see if anyone has any perspective to share.
I’m 29 and haven’t been able to hang onto a single job for too long. I have worked in tech my whole career, and hate it. I’m not even good at it, yet I managed to get good paying jobs doing it. After the novelty of the job wears off, it starts to make me utterly miserable and stressed, and I feel empty inside. Selling tech and helping large corporations increase their profit felt so meaningless. Money doesn’t drive me. It did once, but after my job in 2024 had layoffs, I took some time off before finding my next role because I got burnt out from working at a startup. During my time off, that’s when it all started. I went into some rabbits holes and never really got out. It started with quantum mechanics, then Hinduism, then hermeticism, ancient Egypt, Kabbalah, sacred geometry, astrology, mysticism, etc. Any time I’d be consuming content related to those subjects around my wife I was worried she might think I’m losing my mind because it’s so far off from what I thought reality was.
After discovering there was more to life than the material world, my purpose changed from money to people. I wanted nothing more than to help people. People that are suffering, facing famine, getting their city and family bombed, facing injustice, and I wanted to standup to the people keeping society in a lower vibrational state and being unkind and inconsiderate to other souls. I wanted to elevate humanity to a higher consciousness. I joined Freemasonry because I wanted to be around likeminded people.
But to make matters worse, as I was learning about numerology, gematria, Astrology, Jesus, shared prophecies from many cultures and religions, I looked at my own life and saw synchronicities that made me seriously think I’m meant to save the world. Dare I say messiah complex. If numerology and astrology doesn’t lie, then surely I must be something more I thought. (DM me if you want to hear the synchronicities) I decided that to change the world, money won’t solve it. But influence can. So I had an idea to create content in an innovative way that could get the attention of the masses. I tried this out for a bit, but never fully executed the idea. It was a bit too technical to create it. And eventually rent was due, so I went back into tech and worked at one company for 7 months before joining a higher paying one. But I only lasted 1.5 months at the company before feeling so miserable that I quit. It was the best paying job of my career so far.
That’s where I am now. Unemployed and applying to tech jobs again to hopefully find something less technical - but ultimately I think I’ll hate it and to keep myself from repeating the cycle, I am applying to do nonprofit work as well. But I still have an innovative content idea that I want to pursue to gain influence, and use that influence to create real change, and I’m at the cusp of really giving it a good shot this time. My family and in-laws all already know I tried giving this content thing a shot before and can only assume they think I’m a loser.
No one I know is doing this. Everyone I know, all my friends and family are working their steady jobs. I feel like a black sheep in society, and that something must be mentally wrong with me. Part of me wishes I never came down this rabbit hole, it makes me think I’ve lost my mind. It makes my feel so lonely in this world. All that really matters to me is helping people. If my dog was suffering, I wouldn’t be out enjoying myself with friends - I would be taking care of him first. That’s how I feel about humanity, and I feel lost.
Thanks for listening to my thoughts. I look forward to any experiences, insight or wisdom 💙