It’s weird because I don’t want him back. I wouldn’t really say I miss him - I do, but I don’t want him to come back. Just the thought of him trying to talk to me again or running into him causes me a lot of anxiety.
I guess I just wish he would apologize, genuinely, and acknowledge his wrongs. He took no accountability in the end. He came back after our first break up after many months, saying that he thought of me every day and missed me, that he screwed up and he missed me so badly and thought about reaching out multiple times. So I believed him when he said he wanted to do it right this time.
But then he got into a hard place with his career. It was always coming and we both knew that. He’d need to move away for training, for maybe a year we would be low-no contact. I was nervous and mentioned it a handful of times and he always said we would get through it together. As it got closer and closer I noticed him pull away and he suddenly had a million reasons for why we aren’t compatible, why we won’t work together, he doesn’t want what I want, he can’t give me/promise me what I want, I’ll come to resent him eventually for him not being around and not being a good partner.
I’m really sad about it. I wanted it badly and keep wondering if it was something I said, or how I addressed something. When we first started talking about it, it was a conflict because he told me I’d need to give up my friends and family and pets and maybe career, because we would be moving often. He knew I wanted kids and I told him I was sure and it was a dealbreaker, before we started dating again. Suddenly he wasn’t sure about kids anymore when he previously said he wanted them. His whole future career plan changed a lot from what he told me before. I felt sick and sad, hurt, upset. It was pretty clear to me he felt it wouldn’t work between us before we even had the conversation.
I had made a joke during that conversation about, oh, you don’t want to do this other easier career? He laughed at the time but later it became a point of evidence for me not really wanting to come with him and me not supporting him. (After we broke up he came back multiple times to thank me for my support and talk about how impactful it was.) I also mentioned to him that I felt unconsidered and like I didn’t matter to him. He said it doesn’t matter if I’m around in his future or not. That he was clear from the start that his career came first and that he told me that (he definitely did NOT and he’s gaslit me on shit before so this makes me really angry).
I just feel really sad and really disappointed even months later. I don’t want to date anymore. I don’t know if I really should or really want to get married anymore. I really trusted him and he’s really hurt me twice now and I don’t know how to really give that trust to someone again. The thought makes me anxious. I don’t know about settling down. I think maybe eventually I’ll adopt a kid of my own and raise her by myself, because I can rely on myself. It’s weird because I used to dream of this big wedding, my dress, my husband, our house, our pets and our kids. Now I just feel like love doesn’t exist.