I’m 37M, and I’m having a hard time moving on from my ex. We met in February 2018, officially got together in August 2018, broke up in March 2024, and kept living together until August 2024 because the lease wasn’t up yet. So officially we were together for about five and a half years, but she was part of my life for about six and a half years total.
Before her, I was married when I was younger. That marriage ended in divorce back in 2014. I made mistakes in that marriage, including cheating, and I take full accountability for that. Over time, my ex-wife and I became good co-parents and friends. That part of my life taught me a lot about regret, accountability, and what betrayal can do to someone.
I loved my ex-wife, and I still care about her. She is the mother of my kids and always will be important to me. But with “A,” it was different. I loved her more deeply than I had loved any woman before, and I think that is why this one has been so hard to shake. This is the one that still hurts the worst.
When I met “A,” she was separated from her husband, but looking back, I know it was still messy. I cared about her a lot, supported her while she was going to school, and I fell for her hard.
Looking back, there were red flags I ignored because I wanted it to work. She was still tied to her marriage when we first started talking. She ghosted me once and then came back around. Over time, I also felt like I was more invested than she was, but I kept pushing forward because I loved her.
Before one of my deployments, we got serious. While I was overseas, we talked every day. Eventually we decided to get a place together, and I was excited to come home and build a life with her.
One of the first things that hurt was when I came home from deployment and she wasn’t there to pick me up like the other families were. I sat there for hours until a buddy and his wife helped me get home. She later said she had wanted to surprise me after getting ready, but that moment still stuck with me. I thought I was coming home to someone, and instead I felt alone.
There were a lot of good times too. I loved her. I loved being around her and her kids. I showed up for her and her kids as much as I could. I went to events, holidays, games, family gatherings, and really tried to be part of their world too.
But over time I felt like I wasn’t fully treated like a partner. We spent way more time with her family than mine. She rarely came with me when I went to see my own family. I felt like I was giving a lot, but not really getting the same effort back.
She also texted guy friends or exes a lot, sometimes while lying next to me in bed. Even though she told me not to worry, it still bothered me. It made me feel like I was physically there with her, but emotionally she was somewhere else. Eventually I stopped bringing it up because I felt like it didn’t matter.
I had flaws too. I procrastinate. My finances weren’t always great. I had small anger outbursts, especially during projects or stressful moments, and I know that affected her. My communication got worse over time too because I started closing off. I’m not trying to act like I was perfect. I wasn’t.
Around year four, she told me she wasn’t happy but wanted to keep trying. I got a better job and rented a bigger house for us, thinking it would help us build something more stable. I wanted to come home every night, be present, and make it work.
Then in March 2024, on the night of my birthday, I came home and she handed me a letter breaking up with me. I had just gotten back from a month-long military school, and it crushed me. It wasn’t some huge blow-up or final argument. It was just a letter, and that was it.
The hard part was that we still had to live together because the lease wasn’t up until August. From March until shortly before August, we stayed in the same house and tried to stay friends. We were broken up, but we still slept together every once in a while.
At first, part of me still wanted that connection. But eventually it started hurting too much. Sex felt like something you share with someone who still means everything to you, and I couldn’t keep doing that while knowing she was leaving.
Before I left for a month-long training rotation, she was already working with her mom on buying a house. I knew that was the plan, but when I came home and saw the house empty, it still hit me hard. That was when it really started feeling final.
Another part that still hurts is the dog. In the last year we were together, we got a Shepherd/Red Heeler mix puppy that looked like a little bear, so we named him Teddy. Teddy Roosevelt is also my favorite president, so the name fit. I wanted that dog more than anything, and I was the one doing a lot of the training and bonding with him. When everything ended, she kept Teddy too. I know it may sound small compared to losing the relationship, but it felt like one more piece of the life I thought we were building was gone.
After she moved out, I ended up living in the armory I worked out of. I had my bed set up in an unused classroom and spent about nine months there, alone and hurting, while she was in a house, meeting people, and moving forward with the dog I had wanted so much. That part still messes with my head.
After the breakup, we still talked off and on. I still missed her and hoped maybe there was a chance. Around that time, she started getting on dating apps and met a guy from Utah. In October, he came to visit her, and she seemed really excited about him. That hurt because I felt like I never really got that same excitement from her.
Later, she told me more about him because she needed someone to confide in. I listened because I still cared about her and because part of me still wanted to be there for her, even though it was hurting me. She told me they had slept together and shared things with him that made me feel like he was getting parts of her I had wanted for years. I know I probably should not have been the person she was telling that to, but I allowed it because I was still attached.
In February 2025, I took her and her kids out to dinner. For a moment it felt familiar again. She laughed, touched my arm, and I started feeling hopeful. But she made it clear she did not want to go back down that road with me.
Before another deployment, I made letters for her and her kids because I missed them. They were hand-painted and personal, and I put a lot of effort into them. Later, while I was deployed, she told me it was weird and that they did not really know what to think about it. That hurt badly.
After that, I realized I could not keep doing this to myself. I left her a final voice message saying I could not keep being friends because it hurt too much. Then I blocked her, deleted our texts, deleted pictures, and cut the connection because staying attached was hurting me.
A day or so later, I saw that she was officially in a relationship with the guy from Utah. I do not know if the timing meant anything, but it hit me hard. It felt like she was able to move on and build something new while I was still sitting there trying to understand what happened.
The problem is I still miss her. I know the relationship had problems. I know I had flaws. I know there were red flags. I know she moved on. I know no contact is probably the right thing. But I still think about the good parts, the bond I thought we had, the connection I built with her kids, the dog, the home, and the life I wanted with her.
Part of what keeps messing with me is that I don’t even know what I would do if she came back. Part of me would probably want to try again because I loved her that much. Another part of me knows the relationship hurt me badly and that letting her back in without real change would probably destroy me all over again. I think that is part of why I’m asking for advice. I don’t just want to miss her. I want to understand what healthy boundaries would even look like if someone like that ever came back into my life.
I do not want to keep holding onto hope for someone who may never come back. I also do not want this to turn me into someone angry or cold. I want to get past this for real, not just pretend I’m good.
For anyone who has been through something like this, how did you finally stop hoping? How did you stop replaying everything, stop comparing yourself to the person they moved on with, and actually move forward? And how did you build enough self-respect to know what you would and would not allow if that person ever came back?
TL;DR: I’m 37M and still struggling to move on from my ex. We met in 2018, officially got together in August 2018, broke up in March 2024, and kept living together until August 2024 because of the lease. She broke up with me through a letter on my birthday, we stayed emotionally and physically connected for a while after, and then she moved on with someone else. I also lost the dog I wanted and helped train, plus the bond I had built with her kids, and spent months living alone in the armory while she moved forward. I went no contact because staying connected hurt too much, but I still miss her and sometimes hope things could change. I’m looking for advice on how to finally let go, move forward, and understand what boundaries I should have if she ever came back.