I am in so much pain
TW: Suicidal ideation, SA talk, PTSD.
Important context: Im in Australia
So over the last couple of months I have become more and more aware that I'm slipping off the rails and into some kind of relapse.
For context I have PTSD from events that happened in my childhood/adolescence, surrounding the death of a parent, as well as the event itself.
I have basically been just surviving my whole life, and now that I'm an adult in their mid 30s I have basically lost all drive, all inspiration, all motivation, all passion.
I spend my days ready to cry over literally anything, and I cannot sleep at night. Instead im plagued by vivid flashbacks of past events and when I do sleep, its vivid dreams of me experiencing SA by a new person every night. All of that classic PTSD stuff.
Im a smart educated person and I know this indicates my meds have stopped working, but I want to know exactly what I am supposed to do?
I have been prescribed new ones to transition to, but coming off of the current is going to suck a lot just from the discontinuation side effects I know will come with it (Its an SSNRI).
So I know im going to be sick, but I cannot afford to use my annual leave as later this year I will be using it for some special therapy to try and deal with this PTSD noise.
I cannot afford unpaid leave as I am the sole income earner.
I am in so much pain and distress, I considered ending it but I know thats emotionally and financially catastrophic for my partner and family. I can't do that to them. And I won't.
I cant take leave, I cant handle life as it is.
Both my psychiatrist and psychologist (yes, im in therapy) would tell me to present to an ED, but I legit cannot afford that time off of work, due to Australia and its snowballing cost of living. Also i know im not going to harm myself, its just the intrusive thoughts talking and the desperation to stop feeling pain.
TL;DR: Full time work does not really match up with having PTSD, unsure what im supposed to do with that in a cost of living crisis.