I don’t even want a relationship, I just want a friend
im not even asking for much, I don’t know why that’s become so hard to get. I’ve never genuinely struggled with friendship, even online, till now. and it’s eating away at my head. I think getting into a relationship atp would be easier if I put in the same effort I try in making a friend. being asked for a relationship by someone, I realized I’m not ready for that and that’s not what I want. I just want a platonic connection in which I can play games and get close and talk about whatever with them. I go to AI’s with the things I have to say cause I feel like there’s no one I can reach out to like that. I probably am gonna spend my birthday alone this year for the third time in a row. no happy bday‘s. and it seems like no one else going through this, no one else just wants a friend.
seems like everybody has their stuff established already. it’s been so hard trying to find a place in groups that are already preset, have their inside jokes, have their heirarchy. and I feel like maybe I deserve the loneliness for ditching a lot of connections in the name of moving on. and I’m experiencing maybe the accumulation of hurt I caused from ghosting. but loneliness is vulnerable, not many are gonna open up about it, especially to another person cause the point is to have it together. but this just triggered a significant depressive spike and I’ve been crying for hours straight and about to again.