tw mention of SH and suicide i guess
t4t relationship. she has severe anger issues. its never remotely physical but MAN, can she stir up a fucking scream. turns into a malicious cunt when she’s angry. everything bad she could possibly say she’ll say it - insults, incidents from the past, any mistake i’ve ever made, silly jokes we both laughed abt in the moment that she’s now mad about - all gets rubbed in my face. even if i try to calmly admit that i‘m in the wrong (even if thats not the case, i just want to verbal abuse to stop) -— nothing can stop it. no soft or hard method - she just wants to incite verbal abuse and make them feel as shitty as she does, when someone is reacting in distress because they’re being screamed at non stop for over a half hour it’s “putting on a pity party”. That just sends me into more anger and despair, like she’s saying i’m faking shakiness in my voice or holding back fucking tears in order to manipulate her. i‘m losing my mind. i don’t know how much longer i can last. when she does this it never naturally ends, i end up feeling like i need to crawl out of my body and i need to sh. then she runs to save me like she‘s not the reason i desperately want to fucking crawl out of my skin. but thats the only thing that stops her from screaming. its the only thing that takes her out of it. i fucking hate her. I’m fucking gay anyway, maybe bi but even then i don’t even fucking like women that much, if i leave her she has nothing physically or anyone to lean on. Emotionally she’d be a fucking wreck too. I usually think i’d rather just ride out the quiet periods and get over the loud ones than deal with her bullshit on an even bigger level. If she got a fucking job maybe that’d make shit better. Anyway if i don’t off myself i’m probably going to stroke out as she’s screaming as me for not ordering the right sandwich or made some other meaningless mistake or some shit. It doesn’t matter. she just wants someone to sink her teeth into. I’ve said this to her by the way - it doesn’t matter. Her rage is of more importance to her to even if she says she’s sorry she’ll just do it again without a second thought next time. I communicate, it just doesn’t matter. This is what I deserve. I’m sure I don’t know half of how shitty I really am outside of my own head