u/AccomplishedYoung983

Lately I've been thinking that I'm not suffering from rocd. This is because, even though i Know ocd plays a big role in all of this, I don't find my partner handsome. Also, I keep thinking about how bad our break up it's gonna be. I don't want to break up because I dont't want to loose him, but he deserves better. I'm not a good gf and won't be able to love him how he deserves. I feel heartbroken and guilty.
I wish someone would tell me it's all rocd, but it would be a lie.
I'm devastated. I live with like a heavy stone feeling on my chest constantly. Idk what it's that. But everytime I think of him or something related to him comes up, this feeling appears. Since It's in my head all the time, the feeling doesn't leave.
Any advice it's appreciated it. Thank you.

It's been two years of thinking my bf is ugly and not attractive and faking everything.
He is amazing and I love him but I can't continue a relationship like this. The anxiety I feel everyday and the anguish is unbereable.
I wanted it so bad to be rocd but it's not.
Also, I never feel better. If I try to think that he is attractive, I don't ever think so. People with rocd feel relief when they get reassured or when they find their partner attractive, but I never do.
I mever found him super handsome, but not like I've been feeling the past two years.