Anyone else? (objectively beautiful) **Please no hate**
I've thought alot about where my internal beliefs come from, and I think from early ongoing social rejections, coming to the conclusion that something was wrong inside of me (severe undiagnosed ADHD as a kid, lack of social skill, but didn't know until I was much older), and being told I was smart and beautiful as a kid, but then all of my peers didn't like me, even as a friend, and only heavier-set, pimply, nerdy boys ever asked me out, I came to the conclusion that there was something wrong with my brain, and that there must be something wrong with my "outside" as well. I knew I wasn't overweight, so I figured it must be my face. I went through a phase where I wished I could just change my face and everything would be better (middle/highschool). I also thought maybe something was wrong with my brain, and my parents knew but wouldn't tell me what it was.
Long story short, as I've gotten older, I've realized that most of the world considers me objectively attractive, and I've had experiences that have "confirmed" that (dated attractive men). However, I now find that if I am not getting the attention of attractive men, and my mental state is low (I'm prone to depression, overcome most of my anxiety) that I still slip into seeing myself as hideous, or like something is wrong with me and that's why I'll never find "the one". And now that I'm in my 30's, I feel like it's gotten worse, and I wish that I had taken advantage of my "beauty" when I was "actually" pretty in my 20's, but I wasted it married to someone I wasn't attracted to because I was worried I couldn't handle life without a partner and would risk being unstable, or a "bad person" not being with them, and wouldn't be able to find someone who was stable AND I found physically attractive.
So now I feel that I've become less attractive, and have lost my shot at finding someone that I am actually attracted to, because of my age and some crows feet when I smile.
I guess I just wonder if there is anyone else here who struggles with feeling like they are ugly even when most of the world has confirmed that they are objectively pretty attractive. It seems like people assume because I am in an "acceptable" weight range and body type with clear skin, (although I did have severe and visible psoriasis for a time in my teens/early 20's, which probably contributed) and have what most consider a pretty face that this is something that I shouldn't struggle with, because it's not the typical body dysmorphia that someone who looks like me would typically struggle with (like anorexia or bulimia or something) because it's related to my face.