I can't tell if I'm really depressed or just sad???
Corny title ik, but genuinely everything has gone to shit for me
Ever since after holy week for this year, nothing has being going good for me. I cut myself off my parents, my supposed "friends" at school are genuinely just terrible victim-blaming egotistical maniacs who can't go a day without talking down on someone.
I've distanced myself from them but now that I had time to think about it I realized just how much disrespect I was being given on a daily basis, fat shaming, disregarding my feelings, being peer pressured, I feel like absolute shit obviously but they're the only ones I could go to or looked forward to seeing at school during those days. I know they probably have some secret gc or whatever that's what they did to an old friend honestly speaking.
Then I stopped going to school, it was the last week of it. My grades tanked, I lost motivation, my teacher out right calling me loser in a school groupings gc, and I lost touch with the honor roll. I went in my senior year filled with a lot of hope and now it's just all gone....
I don't know where or when this sudden spark of depression or sadness, demotivation, or even just laziness came from all of a sudden.... I wanted to move schools because genuinely I can't handle the environment of my current one. Mom disapproved saying I have to finish what I started there, but honestly I'd rather just work my ass off in anyway. Find a sugar mommy or smth, and provide for my family in any way.
I really can't pinpoint where this sudden heavy feeling came from...I don't wanna out right call it depression since I don't feel that it is, it's a serious mental illness and I can't just label myself with that all willy nilly.... I want to go modular for my upcoming gr 12th, it'll ruin my chances at good universities but as long as I get into one right? Finish my studies there and provide until I die or whatever(Future note: I just repeated my previous paragraph lol sorry)
I wanna end it all tbh....or get seriously hospitalized so that I skip the first few months or so of school .. I don't wanna see those "Friends"s faces yet..I'm not ready