I've been trying so hard for a very long time to stay clean and unfortunately I just went ahead and did it yesterday. I had a really weird , numb, disassociated feeling and I just sort of watched it and then cleaned up and it didn't hurt at all until the day after.
I'm feeling a lot better today and I'm still struggling a lot but the pain I'm in and the dread I feel around having a conversation with my partners has been mostly enough to keep me from relapsing again but I can't stop thinking about it and it's for a really stupid reason (for me, not for others) and I was wondering if anyone related
The reason is... because I feel uneven?? I did it on my upper right thigh and I cant stop thinking about hurting myself on the left side because I'm so poorly I feel like I'd feel more balanced and grounded when I'm in pain idk it feels so ridiculous. But I have had a better day, but I feel like the fact I'm even having thoughts like this is a sign maybe I'm still not doing great ?
I also had an experience for the first time of ... I hope this is ok to say without specifics? NEW *things* being so so much sharper than I'm used to or expected and I only surface cut but it was just a very strange disassociative experience and I didn't feel much better sigh