I feel kind of pathetic even writing this but I don’t know where else to put it.
My current girl dinner is grilled cheese and tomato soup because I can’t really eat anything more adventurous right now, I feel sick all the time.
I’m going through a breakup that has genuinely wrecked me, and I think what’s making it worse is that I’m starting to realize how badly I was treated, but I still love him.
We’re both seniors on the same campus, so I see him all the time. He’s out living his life, laughing, playing sports, surrounded by people, and I feel like I’m barely functioning.
What really messed me up is what happened after we broke up.
He told me we were going to get back together. He made me feel like we still had something, like I just needed to be patient and “do things right.” So I did. I showed up for him, I cared about him, I gave him space and did everything to try and meet him where he wanted.
We slept together. I made him promise that it meant something and he made me feel wanted and secure in it.
And then I found out he was seeing another girl. He lied to me and he led me on. We dated for two years. He made me feel love I had never felt and then pain I had never felt.
I don’t even know how to explain how much that broke something in me. It’s not just the breakup, it’s feeling like I was manipulated into staying attached while he was already moving on.
And somehow… I still love him. I still miss him. I still want him. Which makes me feel actually insane.
On top of that, a lot of my friends still hang out with him and his friends like nothing happened. So not only do I have to see him, I also feel like I lost people I thought would have my back. It makes me feel so disposable.
I feel replaced by him and by my own friends at the same time.
I’m trying not to reach out. I’m trying to keep some dignity. But it’s so hard when I feel like I’m grieving someone who is still right in front of me, acting like I meant nothing. He has been using bad language with me and genuinely I feel like I’m being bullied yet I’m still so in love and I genuinely think he’s the most attractive man too.
I don’t even know what I need from this. Maybe just to know I’m not crazy for still loving someone who hurt me like this.
If anyone has been through something like this… how do you even start to let go?