My (24F) mum has been abusing alcohol for as long as I can remember, but started to really lose function within the past few years, following divorce and an on and off abusive relationship. I have health problems of my own - autism, OCD, like 3 musculoskeletal conditions. We were always close, but the relationship became ‘enmeshed’ (I.e. co-dependent, lack of boundaries). She started to repeat the rhetoric of her abusive ex, accusing me of only staying around her for money instead of because I actually care, etc. Since starting my PhD in Oct, she kicked me out of the house 4 times. The last time, in March, I decided I actually had to move out. With the support of this Reddit & Al-Anon, I realised her alcoholism was not my responsibility, only my health (which was at a breaking point) and future was. And that for that reason, I could not return out of guilt. She was drinking heavily for the month that followed, I don’t even like to think how much, before eventually reaching out to my grandmother and asking for help. She has been staying there for around 7 weeks now. During that time, she found out she has cirrhosis. Shes also having heart problems we suspect is angina. We are suspicious that she has started to drink again, as we found a hidden bottles of blackcurrant concentrate in the wardrobe (1 empty, 1 full), that she only ever used to drink to mix with vodka.
I’m now coming to the realisation that if my mum is drinking again, and continues to do so, there is a good chance she will die within a couple of years. The guilt is starting to come back to me. I don’t want to be around with her if she’s drinking. Nothing I can do will stop her - trust me I have tried everything. But the guilt I feel for moving out and, if she dies, for not speaking to her all the time, is starting to be unbearable