( yes I used ChatGPT , am very poor with articulating )
I don’t know what is wrong with me mentally, but I feel so depressed and heavy all the time.
When I think about where this started, it always goes back to my family. My parents mentally tortured me for years by not meeting my basic emotional needs. I never felt loved, supported, or safe around them. They bullied me constantly, made me feel small, excluded, and abandoned. I was always left in the dark. I never felt like I mattered.
Then my extended family I stayed with them two years, and it became worse. I felt judged, not enough, unwanted. I couldn’t speak my thoughts or feelings. I learned to stay quiet. I learned that my voice didn’t matter.
I finally moved out. I live with my boyfriend now. I always dreamed of leaving so I could breathe. And now I technically can. I’m physically free. But I carry this unbearable weight of loneliness every single day. The only person I talk to is my boyfriend. Everytime I look around everyone seems so normal. Loving. Connected. And it reminds me of everything I don’t have.
I hate my family for what they did to me. But I don’t understand why I can’t just get over it. Why does it still hurt so much? Why do I still feel heartbroken?
They controlled my life decisions too. I always wanted to pursue design. I took arts in high school, but they bullied me into switching to commerce. I wanted to study fashion in college. They forced me into commerce at a bad college even though I could easy get into a good public university just because college was close to House and then basically house-arrested me for four years during my bachelor’s. Later I moved abroad, but I had to stay with relatives again for two more years. I did a MBA. I hate it. I don’t feel connected to any of it. I feel like I’ve been living a life that was chosen for me.
Now I’m 25, unemployed, and expected to work in corporate. a field I don’t even like. I feel so much resentment. I tried confronting them, but they don’t care. It’s like my pain doesn’t exist to them.
I don’t even want to think about switching careers right now because I don’t have the energy. I’m not interested in anything. I can’t even make myself paint a simple flower. I don’t trust myself anymore. I feel unreliable because of my anxiety. I can’t do anything consistently. I can’t read. I can’t focus. Sometimes I use ChatGPT to form simple sentences when I talk to people — not because I don’t know English, but because I can’t organize my thoughts in any language anymore.
The only time I feel even a little happy is when I eat. I eat even when I’m not hungry. While I’m eating, I feel relief. Then I feel disgusting and overly full and ashamed. But it’s the only thing that gives me a break from the heaviness.
My sleep is mostly okay, but inconsistent. My body always feels heavy. My diaphragm feels so heavy, like there’s pressure sitting in my chest. I just feel physically weighed down.
I feel like I’ve lost myself. I don’t know how to move past this. I don’t know if I should forgive them. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. I’m 25 and I feel depressed, stuck, lonely, and disconnected from my own life.
And the worst part is I’m scared this heaviness will never go away
Yes I would approve any advice