u/Acceptable-Rich-524

I see many posts talking about how they need to write down a list of many bad things they’re partners did in order to combat the nostalgia . I wrote one first month of NC(at seven now) and had loops running in my head where id list off all the things they did. However now theres nothing, there are no feelings for the nostalgia, I can actually hardly remember the moments apart from major milestones(wedding, engagement). The relationship essentially is in a box thats unattainable. This almost seems to me like bpd splitting and after learning so much about the disorder I’ve come to cause myself anxiety on whether or not i am bpd.

How did you go no contact? Did you mutually agree? Did they block you and you stopped chasing? Did you disappear?

After being discarded, and fed lies about “this is temporary”, “this is for us”, “im taking the time to change” I was pushed to my limit and just disappeared six months ago (blocked her on everything, deleted all txts, photos, videos and threw out anything given to me). After learning of this condition i realized was getting bread-crumbs and was being used for emotional regulation while she was seeking(or already had someone). Enough was enough and i left. I actually wonder if i made a permanent enemy as bpd fear abandonment and thats essentially what i did(even if i was being devauled/discarded)

The more time that passes, the more I learn of this condition-the angrier I get. Its so infuriating, knowing that these self defensive mechanisms protect them from their own shitty behaviour. Im so angry, its so unfair. Ive done everything on paper to help heal. Ive reconnected with so many old friends i lost to this relationship, started playing new sports and even old ones. Ive started working out and running, literally getting to a point where im unrecognized to who i was six months ago. Ive gone no contact and dont even have access to social media, told my friends not to update me on her life or for them to update me on hers. I do all these things and am still depressed. This woman destroyed me over the course of the last eight years. She slowly and gradually manipulated me like I was clay into a nothing, and then left. I was someone before, and now Im nothing. Ive spent thousands on counselling, and for what? Thankfully i dont experience depersonalization anymore, but now it’s just moved onto disassociation, which affects me more often.

This woman now gets to completely rewrite the narrative to the discard. Completely rewrite the story of our whole relationship. All these years of isolation, verbal and physical abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, cheating, disrespect, lying completely rewritten. All the years i wasted in hopes of change wasted. I wasted eight years of my life for what? I ask friends to go out but they all have partners so they decline, or have done it so much that they dont care to do so anymore. I wasted my youth and all experiences a late teen/early 20s should have done due to anxiety from her, meanwhile she went clubbing and repeatedly broke boundaries/cheated. On the off chance i did go out my phone would be blowing up, or if she came id be taking care of her drunk ass because she cannot handle alcohol or we would flat out just get kicked out because of her. High school parties were the same, all my experiences were tainted or just didn’t happen. Im so angry that i wasted all these years on her. My love could have been better spent on a healthy individual, but no it went to her.

And the kicker? How does this affect someone like her, Well it doesnt. Her defensive mechanism quite literally prevents her from any introspection. Her splitting allows her to discard and move on like nothing happened. Her lack of object constancy literally allows her to forget me -Im not even thought about. Meanwhile i fight with my thoughts to get her out of my brain. Its so unfair, its so fucking unfair. I sit here mourning/grieving the relationship for two people, while she does what? There is no justice, there is no karma. She will continue living life like theres no problems. She gets to live pain free after an eight year relationship while I suffer. Its so unfair. And before anyone says “her justice is living with this condition”, well how would she even know how to live normally? If shes lived this way her whole life then its normal to her, thats just how life goes. The same way a normal person lives life…normally. I dont get this whole argument, they dont know any different so why would it bother them?