ETA: Just realized "DH" stands for Damn husband on this sub, I mean/intend it as "Dear". He is lovely
So not sure how/where to start so ya'll will just have to follow my perspective in this. Saturday night my husband was drinking with a friend (whos also dating my SIL) and his aunt called him asking to give him a jump. he informed her they were not sober, but he would try to find someone (also relevant I lost my phone on a Camping trip last tuesday). he texted his mom who responded with some pretty not nice things about how he better not call her if im in labor for a ride because shes always high (meth), and that no one had ever died from driving on weed (she knows I'm not comfortable with him driving high, and in the past has even agreed with me on that point). he informed her that no, he had been drinking. other messages included (to my at the time knowledge) saying that he needed to grow up and that she was worried for her future grand child because she doesn't think we'll be good parents (shes said the opposite in the past, that shes not worried because we both have a good head on our shoulders and encouraged us to start trying as you're never fully ready anyways), and that she was reserving a campground on the fourth of july (something we had talked about but hadnt decided either way yet on) and that "HE HER SON WOULD BE THERE AND THE WOULD DRAG HIM THERE" her capitalization.
this was the information I had when the next day my SIL asked DH for both of us to come over to her boyfriends house, which we did. we did talk about the messages, and I was only able to get her to acknowledge the inappropriateness by asking her how she would feel if her boyfriends mom sent those same texts. we go home and this is the point I read the actual messages and my whole view changes. up until this point I was excusing it as misplaced stress/anger over them getting evicted soon (funnily enough if not for their drug use we were going to offer them to stay with us) and has mentioned to SIL that the only way DH would want to go camping/I would communicate with or visit her was if we were given an unsolicited apology). that night is when I actually read the messages.
In those messages MIL says that DH needs to "grow a pair" and tell me to "shut the fuck up" and that I'm toxic/abusive/controlling and im just like how I describe my father (a self-admitted narcissist who I'm VLC with). that I control his spending too much (he carries our joint debit card, I give opinions/advice when he asks me as that account is supposed to be for living expenses. any money after bills in deposited into his separate, personal account that i dont even have access too, and dont care what he spends). that I spend all his money one "stupid shit" (can't tell you the last time I spent more than $5 on something for myself, I window shop but I don't like spending money and DH had to convince me to buy maternity clothes when my pants stopped fitting). that I called him stupid when we were camping (a joking comment that we both struggled to remember, about setting up an air mattress wrong. I was crabby admittedly because we were waiting 5 hours for his parents to get there with the tent, by which point it was already almost midnight and was below freezing temperatures. she also constantly calls him lazy and a "follower", neither of which I agree with). that I order him around and tell him "when to do the laundry and dishes" (his only two chores, he doesnt have to fold the laundry just start/move it, I WISH he would do it when I ask, its usually several days later, his mom has suggested I take his console cord in retaliation which I've never done)
after reading those I was pretty upset and did cry, but DH kept assuring me that none of that was true and he didnt believe any of it, that he would tell me if i made him feel bad or if I felt controlling, I started to realize that everything she said about either of us directly traced back to insecurities we had shared with her at which point my sadness turned more toward indignation and I correctly guessed what would happen next......We got another text on Monday that was supposedly an Apology. the only reason I read it (despite her claims that I read all his messages and may be responding for him I told him I would not interfere in their relationship as long as he promised to defend me when I'm not there, but I did not want to talk to her until further notice and did not want to know what any messages said) was because my husband thought it was an Apology.
the message literally followed DARVO, saying that shes not saying I'm abusive per se shes just saying shes noticed some concerning behaviors since we got married (none of which she mentioned and she was sweet as pie until saturday night) but that she still stands by what she said, and she KNOWS I'm abusive because I'm exactly like her 20 years ago and my husband is exactly like his dad 20 years ago (she has a VERY toxic relationship, that is verbally and physically abusive in both direction) and it took his dad 20 years to realize she was abusive and start fighting back so she hopes it doesnt take him that long, and that when he realizes how toxic I am she'll be there for him but for now shes going to keep her distance as she knows how I'm reacting to it (Talked with SIL I assume, as they live together). later through texts with SIL, MIL has apparently convinced her that DH hates her, and also he needs to go over that night and apologize to SIL in person for saying that he was overwhelmed with them both blowing up his phone all night and might "go mute". she also has said shes no longer going to come over when her boyfriend and DH hang out. oh yeah and also we both need to change before we're welcome in their lives again (but he still HAS to go camping in July) only thing I can think of in terms of "needing to change" is that they want me to be more submissive? but neither one of us is submissive. I do talk more in public but thats because I'm more comfortable talking and he likes to "sit back and observe" (his words). In private he talks more than me, and I dont think he wants a "submissive" woman considering he chose a foul-mouthed, college educated, biker mechanic whos covered in tattoos and piercings.
I'm not particularly worried as I trust DH, he has been sticking up for me and we both have said that no matter what we're in each others corner. we've also agreed that given her recent behavior she will not know our kids gender/name before birth (due to some of the hurtful comments against him about how she KNOWS he wants a junior and I wont let him and that hes TOLD her he wants a junior [he hasn't] and how she bets he hasnt started on the nursery yet [I'm only 18 weeks, we don t know gender yet, and she told us to wait to buy baby stuff as she was going to buy some of it for us]) and we've also agreed that unless her behavior seriously changes she will not be in our childs life, as the cycle of abuse will end with us (I've found out since that she has a history of this kind of thing, he doesn't like talking about his childhood and shes pretended to be nice so I was mostly unaware until now.)
something that I now also need to find a way to bring us to DH is that I accidentally found their (MIL AND FIL) appeal document for their parental rights termination (me and him both spent time in foster care, although I was eventually taken out. he aged out.) said document contained the "basic facts" of the original case which included some things I think he might not know, such as that parental visitation wasn't taken maliciously or as a punishment by his caseworker (what MIL has said) but because they were going to visitation high. all they had/have to do to get visitation back (his two youngest siblings were adopted) is pass 3 consecutive drug tests. I also read things his parents said/did to him in front of caseworkers which makes my heart hurt for him. the thing that makes me worry about showing it to him is that he misses his siblings more than anything in the world, and there had been a family willing to adopt all four of them......but MIL had snuck him a phone and together with GMIL told him to purposefully run away/act out until they "run out of placements and had to give him to GMIL" .
so yeah anyways I joined this subreddit today lol. I will answer any comments with more detail if asked, this is just already very long. also am only on desktop rn though so they may be "late" responses