Mourning what could have been
It's been almost 7 months since we started seeing each other. From the beginning, we established that we only wanted something casual and didn't want to put a label on things. But over time, it started to feel so real.
We text every single day, have so much in common, he picks me up and drops me off after dates, introduced me to his closest friends, and despite being insanely busy with his architecture course he always makes the time for me. I've genuinely never questioned whether he likes me, because it's obvious to both my friends and his that there's a real connection here.
I still replay my favourite date over and over. We were celebrating his thesis submission and I invited him along to watch a jazz band that I really like. We got so drunk and danced like we were literally the only people in the room, talked for hours in the bar and then ran back to his afterwards.
Over time, the language slowly shifted from "we're talking" to "we're seeing each other" to "we're going out". At one point, he even referred to it as a relationship to his best friend. So naturally, I started getting more emotionally attached, even though neither of us ever explicitly changed what this was.
Recently, we finally had a conversation about the future since we're both graduating this summer and he'll be moving away (only 45 minutes driving distance to the city over). He told me he really likes me and loves spending time with me, but doesn't believe he could do long distance because it would hurt us both. We both have problems: he's bad at communicating with commitment issues, and I have trust issues after being cheated on in the past, which is why I struggle to fully commit as well. He said he'd still want us to stay friends after, because he doesn't see why a good connection should be lost.
I appreciated the honesty, and I know he's been consistent about not wanting anything serious long-term, but it still hurts so much because this never felt just "casual". We both admit that we accidentally built something relationship-shaped without ever calling it one, but it's something we enjoyed.
I think what's messing with me most is that nothing is actually going wrong between us. There's no toxicity, no fading interest, no betrayal. We just hit a future that apparently has an expiry date.
I'm finding myself anticipating so much more. I didn't come into this wanting a relationship, but it just feels so good. I'm wishing that there was no end.
Has anyone else experienced this? How do you stop yourself from grieving something that technically never existed?