Constant Body Anxiety
Throwaway for reasons
I'm so scared, I'm in constant fear, and it's made me unable to do anything.
I never had a problem with porn; I mean i surely saw it growing up, but it was never a thing. After 18 i decided to wait until marriage, and i hadn't seen porn for years.
I was assessing a medical condition for my body, so i didn't know my size. One morning i decided to check properly, then attempt to verify online and through AI Chatbots if I have anything to worry about. I was met with a barrage of situations where people would break up because of girth or something stupid, which began a spiral of trying to find evidence that i was gonna be okay. This was 6 months ago.
Now I know that's irrational. I mean i fall in a completely normal range- especially after this I had my condition got corrected, and these things i saw were just the loudest part of the web.
I hadn't awoken sexual desire, but now i just keep returning to it, to check, and so I can make sure that i'm okay. Whether it's technique, searching for reality,inspo for fitness habits, or what sizes match up with me (I can't check my own reliably), it's always something and I feel like i fried my soul. I made the choice to wait until marriage, and I feel like i ruined it because I just desperately wanted to find out if i was okay, and couldn't find reliable information- not even my doctor.
I don't know what to do. The thoughts haunt me. I cant go back to doing what i did before. I know way too much- probably more so than those who are sexually active. I'm in constant irrational fear that I won't be enough; despite the clear evidence that I am. I constantly check my body and make adjustments in fitness regimes to ensure I am as prepared as can be.
I don't feel like i have anyone to talk to about this. I wanted to ask if people had paths like this, with some concern and see what they did to get out of it.
Please help. I don't want to drown