My boyfriend is a very high IQ/low EQ guy and our main conflict is that he doesn’t “get” or understand how to be emotionally available, and sometimes this crops up.
We think he might be on the autism spectrum. He is also prone to anger and can be impatient and moody but it’s something he’s working on. I’ve brought up this issue a couple times and each time he’s apologized and been in tears because he doesn’t want to lose me and hates to see me upset. We both agreed that we’d be direct and honest about what each other need.
Our 1 year anniversary was on Tuesday, which coincided with his final exam week, so I suggested we have our official dinner on Saturday to avoid stress. But we ended up still spending the entire day together on Tuesday.
I planned everything. He drove probably 6 hours total. He also kind of snapped at me while we were rock climbing which put me in a funky mood. He wasn’t climbing at his usual level and I suggested he give some of the lower levels a try, and then he snapped “Of course I can do those”. I said damn chill and he apologized and hugged me and said he didn’t mean to dismiss me. The rest of the day he was very loving and kind.
Then we had lunch (a place I picked out. Also he didn’t pay. He works as a TA so he doesn’t make much but he recently bought himself new speakers so). Then we went to Barnes and nobles because he wanted to buy HIMSELF a book that was only in stock up there.
Then we go to IKEA and I’m sort of moody that he hasn’t thought to get me anything. We get what we both need and he suggests we also get tacos and make drinks at my place.
So all in all we spent a lot of time together and he drove the whole way but didn’t get me anything like a card or flowers even though he knows me and knows I like shit like that. I bought him a whole ass painting for our anniversary because I knew he wanted it and without hesitation I bought it for him.
Then on Saturday we have our official anniversary dinner and he doesn’t mention it so I have to remind him that morning. I’m dressed up all cute and he’s in his regular clothes, and he didn’t pay this time either. We kind of just sat there and didn’t talk much because he wasn’t asking me any questions.
I’m frustrated but I know he’s in his last week of grad school. I know that gift giving isn’t his love language but he knows it’s mine and I’m tired of chasing him down to get me something. On Valentine’s Day he gave me flowers but I also feel like I pushed it to happen because I was asking for initiative the day before.
One more thing, he helped me move a couch this week from IKEA to my apartment which basically involved him rushing on his final paper to drive down and disassemble and reassemble a couch for me. I feel like if I were to say something he’d point out that he did do a lot of caring gestures that day, albeit practical ones.
Am I allowed to be angry? Should I express that? I’m feeling resentful but I don’t know if I’m overreacting or not.