Okay the title doesn’t really tell the whole story. Me (36F) and my fiance (34M) have been together 7 years. He has a history of struggling to set boundaries with other women. For example, when we met he had this female friend who was married who had confessed her love to him drunk multiple times that he would text/hangout with 1:1 etc.
It hasn’t been an issue in a few years. He’s never been unfaithful to my knowledge.
He recently changed careers and has been in an onboarding course with 3 others, including two women. I noticed he has been texting one of the women (younger, also engaged) frequently after a week of knowing her. He’s not a big texter in general and I noticed they were swapping pet pics etc. So I brought it up and expressed I wasn’t comfortable with how close they seem to have gotten so quickly and I would be more comfortable if conversations stuck to work. I said it just feels like a lot very quickly. He didn’t argue, said he understood and told me not to worry.
Fast forward two weeks. I notice he’s texting her. I said “who are you texting?” And he said “oh just that group.” I said “doesn’t look like it” and he said “well I was but she sometimes texts me separate because she’s not comfortable talking to the whole group.” Whatever.
The next day I see him texting her again. He’s sending her a recipe. I said, “can I just see what you all talk about?” He scrolls up a bit and it’s some work stuff, more pet pics, her asking what his favorite music is and asking him to send her his favorite songs (this was weird to me). Then she responds to the recipe with a “thank you 💜.” I said “don’t you think this is a little weird/inappropriate?” And he said “yeah it is. I don’t know why she does that.” He goes on to say she’s young and insecure and he’s just helping her out and she initiates most convos.
I express that I’m not happy. I leave it. Something nags at me. I take his phone later and scroll up while he’s outside and see her dumping on him all her insecurities about work and then he responds “no worries. We are family now so you can’t leave me” and then asks if she wants to get a beer or something this weekend. I was out of town Saturday fwiw and I don’t think they met up.
So I get pissed. I tell him what I saw. He says “we talked about getting a drink as a group.” That doesn’t add up. I also see he initiates at least half the conversations.
So here’s where I’m at. I genuinely don’t think he’s cheating on me. I think he has some kind of savior/hero complex and likes the attention and that she’s constantly stroking his ego (telling him he’s such a good leader etc). Where I’m at is I told him something made me uncomfortable, he acknowledged that and then ignored it/escalated the situation. He’s also clearly tried to cover multiple times.
I’m genuinely hurt/pissed and considering this is not someone who respects me/I can trust. I would love some thoughts. He is otherwise a good partner but this is a somewhat recurring theme. Would love some thoughts.