u/Academic-Rip-6209

So, I have been dealing with some extremely negative experiences. These have been fairly repetitive and consistent and have persisted throughout my entire life. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder in 2017 when I was at the state hospital in Montana (when I lived there). I have endured a lot of situations that would break most people. But now, I feel a second away from snapping completely. I have constantly set boundaries and made a habit out of self-care practices to protect my mental health from the trivialities of life. It has only been sufficiently effective for a small amount of time. Things I do to take care of myself just don't work anymore. I extended my life for a short time period in the hopes that something may change. That staying around to maybe have a better position in life may have been somewhat possible. I have been deluding myself and am in an even worse spot now. I have been extremely triggered and am feeling suicidal. Today was the last day on that extension. My candle has just about burned out. I told myself if things weren't improved by this day, that I would take the route to anesthetize myself and peacefully exit. This would occur at 2 p.m. today. I have such a small amount of time left on this planet now. Any thoughts? Anybody find anything necessary to speak out about this can feel free to. I wrote an almost 50 page note (still writing it on phone notepad). I will probably upload to all socia media if possible. I feel the need to explain myself and my decision.