I (26F) work for a mid-size family business. I was hired straight out of uni, eventually reaching a role where I have managed a group of employees. Most of them are new hires younger than me who look up to me, I am in a sort of mentorship role. Every year, my company hosts a summer bbq, where almost everyone (including the boss) attends.
After many years here I am leaving the role. The company is also restructuring, meaning many of my coworkers are also relocating. I'm moving shortly after the BBQ which is a week away.
I have not had the easiest time at my job, and have been frustrated with my boss though things are cordial (LOTS of unpaid and unexpected OT, extremely overworked, little support from upper management to get projects done, feeling very unappreciated, boss taking credit for work I did and wanting me to fix their mistakes I pointed out before they happened). Essentially, I have been running the entire 'hands-on' customer facing part of the company myself while boss networks and barely even attends the location for more than 1hour a year, to the point that contractors have entered the establishment and straight up thought I was running it.
I also had a significant bullying problem during my earlier years here where a coworker (24M) spread rumors about me to everyone in the department after I rejected him and made my experience very difficult. This coworker and boss will both be in attendance at the BBQ.
Finally, I've worked with another coworker S (27M) for the past 4 years. For the first 3 years we were completely platonic and both in other relationships. S took on a huge role in the dept. and was very reliable, proactively helping out at events and whenever needed. He took a huge amount of work off my plate. We became good friends from all the time we spent together.
This past year, S and I grew a lot closer (I know, I've learned my lesson) after we both got out of very bad relationships and began spending time together outside of work. Coworker S is also relocating this fall. He would invite me over to his house, drive me over and drop me back home, and I would stay until the sun came up just hanging out and talking to him. He would clean his apartment before I came over and bring me water and snacks and blankets if I wanted. The conversations became quite intimate (love, future stuff, etc) and as we grew closer I was very transparent about how I felt about him, formally inviting him to dinner with me (which he accepted) and at one point straight up jokingly telling him I would fight his ex to be the #1 on his list (cringe I know).
This went on for about 5 months until one night S invited me over and started telling me a story about how he never makes the first move because he's scared to make the person uncomfortable while I was sitting next to him. I asked if I could hold his hand and he grabbed my hand and asked me to clarify the situation. He asked what I expected from him because we were both moving and he didnt know if he would be ready for another relationship by the time we left.
I told him I didn't expect anything and didn't want to get physical quickly but it made me happy to spend time with him and I would always come over if he wanted me there. He rested his head on my shoulder and asked if I wanted to stay over. We ended up cuddling for several hours while watching a romance movie, he was very affectionate but after the movie finished he suddenly got up and said he needed 5 minutes, then came back and said his heart was beating too fast and something didn't feel right. He asked to take me home and said he just needed to think.
I didn't hear from S for 2 days, and then he sent me a long text saying he thought we were just good friends and "that night scared me" because that wasn't what he was looking for. I asked if we could talk in person and we did, he kept saying he couldn't give me what I wanted and I said that wasnt what I was confused about and I had never expected that from him. I said I was confused of his feelings, and asked "did you ever at any point feel anything for me" to which he said no. I left that interaction very upset. He said that he would not be around my department to make things easier for me.
I did not tell anyone in the dept. what happened. It basically destroyed me emotionally for a while.
About a week after that S sent me a message about a random work-related thing. I sent a short reply and left it there. Then I asked for an item I had lent him back; he returned it and I left him on read.
Now back to the bbq, two months later. This past week I cleared out my cubicle and left some trinkets people had given me for them to take back. S took his item and notified the boss that he would be attending the bbq. After hearing about this I thought about it and realized it would hurt me too much to see S again as I still haven't gotten over my feelings, and I told my boss that it looked unlikely I would be able to make it, so not to reserve a spot or get food for me, but I would let him know and buy/bring my own stuff if anything changes.
Shortly after, I messaged a few people to say goodbye. One of these people, T, is S's very close friend, I've known him longer though. In the conversation T spontaneously said "You should probably tell S that you're not going to the bbq, he was considering staying in the area longer to go because he felt bad." I told him "I haven't been in touch with S lately, I've just been super busy" and left it there. I also said "I don't really want to see everyone there, and I kinda feel like I've said all the goodbyes I have to say" which I somewhat regret. The next day T reached out to me again about work-related stuff, I chatted with him for a bit and asked if he wanted to grab coffee or lunch to talk about it, he said "If you're free on sunday I'd be down, maybe I can talk S into coming with."
At that point I got slightly angry and straight up told him "I haven't been close to S lately so I would prefer it was just us." T apologized and changed the topic. I removed S on all socials outside work. I told T I would 100% not be going to the bbq and got no reply.
Word got around that I would not be going to the BBQ and several of my dept members reached out asking if I really wasn't going. I said goodbye to them privately and said that I most likely would not be able to make it.
My question of WIBTAH is because I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing by my department members or if I'm burning a bridge further with my boss. I was also overloaded with emotions when T brought S up and I'm also not sure if I handled that interaction correctly. I would really appreciate any insight anyone can provide.